Paperaxle Reviews "Contagion"

Whatever you might have heard about this movie, it isn't true. It's not a thriller, it's not scary and there really are things that spread like fear, like grape jelly on a warm peanut butter sandwich.

Here's the whole plot... people react to a virus that has spread over a course of a few days. Some people die, some people don't. Some people panic, some people react calmly. And some people stay awake through this movie, and some people leave the theater.

Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns home from a business trip in Hong Kong. While in Hong Kong, she catches an illness, which she spreads to her lover during a layover in Chicago, and then to her family in Minneapolis. Within a couple of days, she is dead, her son is dead, but her husband Thomas (Matt Damon) is mysteriously immune to the disease.

But that isn't the whole story. There are subplots within the movie, like Alan Krumwiede's (Jude Law) crusade to find the truth behind a supposed government cover-up of the disease. Dr. Leonora Orantes (Marion Cotillard) is trying to combat the disease in Malaysia. Drs. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne) and Erin Mears (Kate Winslet) are trying to work through the Atlanta Center for Disease Control to find a cure.

But none of this matters, because... and I'll go ahead and spoil it for you right now... although they do find a cure by the end of the movie, it will be over a year before the cure is available to everyone. Millions of people die, and there is no real resolution to the movie. There is no sense of fear, no race to find a cure is depicted in the movie, and the big reveal at the end is how the disease began. By that time, we don't care.

There is no sense of urgency in this 115 minute movie, and you find yourself checking your watch several times in two hours. I'll give this one some hand sanitizer and a box of Kleenex. Avoid this one like the plague.

Paperaxle Reviews "Moneyball"

Chico Escuela may bemoan the fact that "Baseball... been berra berra good... to me", but to Billy Beane (Brad Pitt), the general manager of the Oakland Athletics, baseball hasn't always been kind. Beane played for four major league teams in five years, and always as a reserve outfielder, with a career batting average of just .219 and only three home runs. He left major league baseball in 1990 after failing to make the major league roster that year, and went to work for the A's, first as an advance scout, and then as general manager.

It was while Beane was GM during the 90's that he was told by the new owners of the A's that payroll would be drastically slashed. In 2001, where the majority of the story takes place, the New York Yankees had a payroll of $115 million per year, while the A's had just $36 million to work with. As a result, three of the major players on that team who became free agents that year left for the greener pastures of other major league teams.

It was during a visit to the offices of the Cleveland Indians that Beane meets Peter Brand (Jonah Hill), a whiz kid who developed a specialized computer program that determines undervalued baseball players, and their affordability, which Beane then uses to rebuild his crippled baseball team. Beane has to convince the owners that baseball can be run by computers instead of scouting agents and field managers, and the A's can create a baseball team at a fraction of the cost of other major league teams.

Art Howe (Philip Seymour Hoffman), who is the manager of the team disagrees, and continuously fights with Beane over player placement on the team. Howe will not budge, and the players cannot play on the positions that are assigned to them by Beane and his computer program. Halfway though the season, the A's are the worst team in baseball...

Then it gets better. And to say anymore, especially to those of you unfamiliar with the Oakland A's, will just ruin the story for you. If you have to know what happens to the Athletics during the 2001-2002 baseball season, then google it. You'll be surprised.

Moneyball is one of those movies you'll hate to admit that you like. I don't follow baseball, don't know anything about players, or teams, or even what a baseball is made of. But I really liked this movie. It is funny (not in a "Major League" kinda way though), suspenseful (will Beane's computer program win a Series for the A's?), and you'll be rooting for this movie like you would for your home team as you sit behind home plate.

The movie runs about 135 minutes, and will be in theaters on September 23rd. I'm giving this one four balls and no strikes. Grab some peanuts and some Cracker Jacks and settle in for nine innings of a great movie.

Paperaxle Reviews "Colombiana"

Luc Besson is the one of the greatest action movie writers you've never heard of. Chances are that you've seen at least one of his movies, whether it's from the "Transporter" series, or "The Fifth Element", or the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson. This year's offering from Mr. Besson is "Colombiana", with Zoe Saldana ("Avatar") as his new action hero(ine), and Mr. Besson is starting to show he is becoming a little stale writing the same types of movies over and over.

Zoe plays Cataleya Restrepo, a young girl who lives in Bogota, Columbia, who witnesses her parents murder, and sets out to avenge their deaths. She escapes to the US Embassy in Columbia, who then fly her to Miami for protection, and then escapes Miami to take the first train outta there to Chicago, where she meets her uncle Marco (played by Jordi Molla) who trains her to be an assassin. Fourteen years later, Cataleya has murdered 22 people who were related to her parents' murder, and the death toll isn't over yet.

The movie appears to be pretty formulaic, because it's a simple tale of revenge. There are some good ideas in the movie, like the scenes where she "breaks" into jail to murder one of the people on her hit list, and some good action sequences, but at the end of the day, this is just another "super assassin" who can do anything and never get seriously hurt. Although I did like the movie, I don't know if I can recommend it highly enough to watch in a theater. I've seen bits and pieces of these types of movies before, and the movie doesn't offer enough new stuff to make it worthwhile. And Zoe Saldana doesn't really cut it as an action star.

Best thing I can say... if you like these types of movies, and can't wait for a DVD release, then there are worse options than this. It's only 101 minutes long, and it's rated PG-13, so there is no nudity or real excessive scenes of violence. As such, it rates only a couple of Death Wishes and that's it. Better Luc next time, Mr. Besson.

Couple of buzzworthy items that came across my desk this week...

1. When is the last time you saw a good Nicholas Cage movie where he plays a superhero with his head on fire? Well, here's another one... http://ghostrider2movietrailer.blogspot.com/ You'll believe a superhero can piss fire!

2. Seen the new trailer for "Tower Heist" yet? It's the new movie with Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy... www.towerheist.net/#/home Could be the best Eddie Murphy film since.... since... has Eddie Murphy ever made a good film?

Paperaxle Reviews "Warrior"

I saw this at an "invitational screening" the other day, and was asked to provide a few comments to the advertising agency to describe the movie. I told them "The best mixed martial arts movie ever! With plenty of heart and soul, and characters who remain with you longer than an ugly bruise! Look out Rocky, the Conlon brothers are in town!"

I just wanted to sound like a movie critic. And I gave them something they really wanted to hear. I don't even like these type of UFC movies, even going so far as saying "You can't even spell the word FUCK without using the letters U, F and C!"

This movie doesn't open until September 9th, and I was leery of giving a review of this movie so early, but the advertising agency told me "Please go ahead and write a review! We really want the word to get out for this film!" I mean, I cannot write a review of the movie "Real Steel" this early, although I saw the movie four months ago, because the producers don't want me to give too much away.

So here goes...

Tom Conlon (Tom Hardy) is the youngest son of an alcoholic former boxer, Paddy Conlon (played by Nick Nolte) who after going AWOL in Iraq, returns home to seek training from his father for an ultimate Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) tournament, being held in Atlantic City. It's a five million dollar, winner-take-all event, with participants as far away as Russia competing in this.

Tom's brother Brendan (Joel Edgerton), a former Physics teacher for a Pittsburgh high school and married with two daughters, is facing foreclosure of his house and stands to lose everything. He is suspended from teaching after he is caught fighting in a local tournament to help support his family, and now has no income to pay his bills.

Several years before, Paddy (who at that time was a washed up drunk) broke up his family and left, taking Brendan and leaving Tom with his mother, leaving the entire family estranged from each other. This ultimate MMA tournament will unite what is left of the family (the mother having died previously), although there is no love between either of the brothers towards their father. Paddy wants to reunite his family, but the brothers (except for being Tom's trainer) don't want anything to do with him.

The top 16 MMA fighters are in Atlantic City to compete, and the brothers are among them. With a setup like this, you know that somehow the brothers will be forced to fight each other, on a number of different levels (physically and mentally), and it will happen. Sounds like a rehashed plot of any number of fight movies you've seen, and to a degree it is, but it's whats done with the plot that really makes it outstanding.

I highly recommend this (approximate) 130 minute film, even hoping that Nick Nolte is nominated for an Academy Award. My wife, who owns a martial arts studio, couldn't stop raving about the movie, and was yelling all though the movie "Nice takedown!", so you know that the fighting scenes are authentic. It's easily the best movie either of us has seen this year, and it will be up for Oscar contention come next year.

Giving this one four armbars and a triangle choke. I never expected this movie to be as good as it was. You guys have something to look forward to in this one. Remember me come next March and the Academy Awards.

Paperaxle Reviews "Conan the Barbarian"

There was a series on Sci-Fi not too long ago, called "Stargate: Atlantis", whereby a character named Ronon Dex, who comes from the Pegasus Galaxy, teams up with the Atlantis expedition in season 2 and remains with them for the next four years. The guy who played Ronan had to endure 5 pounds of dreadlocks on his head for 3 years, but the weight of the dreadlocks caused him to have severe headaches, so he shaved them off at the beginning of season 5, but the producers weren't too happy with that, and forced him to wear a heavy wig for the remainder of that season.

Ronan Dex was played by Jason Momoa, and apparently since he could carry the weight of 5-pound dreadlocks for four years, he could carry the weight of starring in a movie like "Conan the Barbarian". Now he is sharing his severe headaches with the rest of us.

Conan is one of those movies that, although it's not really that bad, it's also not that great.

As Morgan Freeman tells us, Conan was born in the midst of battle with a neighboring tribe of warriors (his mother is stabbing and killing the bad guys even as her water breaks!), and after his mother dies giving birth, he is raised by his father (played by Ron Perlman), who is the leader of the Cimmerians. Apparently, seven different tribes of the nation of Hyboria each took a piece of a crown that produces immense power, so that no one tribe can possess the crown. Khaler Zym (played by Stephen Lang) is an evil warlord who overthrows six of the seven tribes to claim pieces of the crown, with the Cimmerians being the only holdout. Zym kills Conan's father and claims the seventh piece, and Conan spends the next few years tracking him down for revenge.

And that's pretty much the whole story. There is something about Zym's daughter (played by Rose McGowan) being a witch, and the necessity of Zym needing the pure blood of one fair maiden (who Conan rescues and is now his love interest). The story does make sense and is fairly easy to follow, but there is no great acting to carry out the plot. Jason Momoa plays Conan as if he is James Bond, and comparisons to Ahnold Schwartzenegger are going to be inevitable.

If you haven't yet gotten enough blood and violence from a "Final Destination" movie, the movie will satisfy, and there are plenty of topless women which also help the story along. The movie is also in 3-D, but it wasn't actually filmed that way (it was converted to 3-D after the movie was filmed).

I'm giving this 112 minute movie a couple of loincloths and a wooden sword. Save your money for the Blockbuster rental.

Paperaxle Reviews: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I admit it. I used to like monkeys when I was a kid. Used to watch "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" on Saturday mornings, used to love "Magilla Gorilla", and used to love the old "Planet of the Apes" movie and television series. I used to even have a blog entitled "Monkey See, Monkey Doo" where I reviewed movies... long before Sledge talked me into doing this for you kids.

Ten years ago, Tim Burton did a remake featuring Marky Mark, and it was so bad, I was tempted to fling my own poo at the screen. Fortunately, it died a quicker death than bacon flavored root beer.

So, yeah, I was kinda dreading the new version of "Planet of the Apes". But I saw it last night at a sneak preview, and I'm not monkeying around... it's the best Ape movie of all time!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a scientist working on a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, which his father Charles (John Lithgow) is suffering from. The laboratory Will works for is at the phase of testing the cure on a chimpanzee, named "Bright Eyes" (coincidentally the name given to the character played by Charleston Heston in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie). Bright Eyes later goes rogue and smashes up a good deal of the laboratory, and is shot and killed to prevent further destruction. It's found out later that Bright Eyes was pregnant, and the serum given her was passed from her genes into her offspring, named "Caesar" (which, if you didn't know, was played by Roddy McDowall the the last two Apes movies of the 1970's).

Because of the destruction of the laboratory by Bright Eyes, the program is to be shut down with all chimpanzees destroyed. Will sneaks Caesar out of the laboratory and into his house, and continues to work on a cure from home. When it's found that Caesar had grown progressively smarter, Will injects his father with the serum, and his father is cured.

But there are side effects to using the serum on humans. The effects are not long lasting, and sooner or later, antibodies in the human body can combat the cure, with fatal results. It can also mutant into a virus that can be passed on to other humans through contact.

Meanwhile, although Caesar is super-intelligent, he still retains his ultra violent nature. When Charles has began to lose his mental faculties, and causes an accident when "borrowing" the neighbor's car, Caesar goes ballistic when the neighbor takes his anger out on Charles. The neighbor is beaten and bitten by Caesar, and the chimpanzee is ultimately taken away by Animal Control and locked up, and lives in a cruel habitat with other simians.

It is here that Caesar plans to use his fellow apes to overthrow his captors, and breaks out of the compound, and releases an airborne strain of the cure to his fellow prisoners, which all become super smart. Caesar and his army begin to use his army of gorillas (guerrillas?) to dominate humanity. At a mid-end-credit scene, it is shown that the deadly anti-Alzheimer's serum will wipe out most of humanity in the coming days.

Lots of good Easter eggs in this movie as well, besides the two examples mentioned earlier. The head of the research facility is named "Jacobs", who was the producer of the first five "Planet of the Apes" movies (Arthur P. Jacobs). The main orangutan (and Caesar's friend) is named Maurice, after Maurice Evans, who played an orangutan in the first of the Apes movies. There is a newscast of the first manned flight to Mars, the Icarus, which was the ship piloted by Charleston Heston in the first movie of the series, setting up a possible sequel. And of course, the immortal line "Get your paws of me, you damn dirty ape!" is also used to great effect in this movie. Great prequel movie to the Apes series!

I'm giving this 105 minute movie a high recommendation, with 4 King Kong Bundys and a banana peel. It's the banana peel that keeps this movie from becoming a classic, but it's close.

Paperaxle Reviews: The Change-Up

I put off watching this movie for over a week. I outgrew movies where the sole purpose of the main character is only to get laid by as many women as he can. But I had people telling me that this movie was a lot better than "Horrible Bosses", and I really liked that movie.

Christ... look at the plot. Dave Lockwood (Jason Bateman) is a successful lawyer, and is married with three children. His best friend Mitch Planko (Ryan Reynolds) is a single, unemployed actor who takes too many drugs and refuses to grow up. Both friends believe the other has the better life and would love to switch lifestyles. One night, after having way too much to drink, both men find themselves walking through a park, with an urgent need to piss and the only available spot is in a wishing fountain.

And by pissing in the wishing fountain and talking about how each other has the better life, they find themselves in each other's bodies, and living each other's lives.

Now that sounds like quality entertainment, right? Isn't this a remake of "Freaky Friday"?

This is a movie where the raunchiness dances around the rim of the toilet seat, looks deep inside, but fortunately can (for the most part) pull back before taking that plunge. It wasn't full blown "Hangover" disgusting, but it comes close. (Jesus... I never thought I'd see a baby's ass puckering up before letting out an explosive shit! And I laughed at that! Out loud! What the hell is wrong with me?) The only thing about the movie which I didn't care for, and which the movie couldn't avoid, is the consequences of best friends changing bodies and the complications of Mitch sleeping with his best friend's wife, while Dave is nearly getting laid by nearly every girl he meets. (And nearly every female in this movie has a nude scene!)

If "Horrible Bosses" is the funniest movie I've seen this year, then "The Change-Up" comes in second, and that's something that's hard for me to admit. Jason Bateman has pulled off something that Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, and Adam Sandler can't do... that is to make two very funny movies in a row. Who woulda thunk it?

This 112 minute movie comes with a high recommendation, and I'm giving it 4 wet t-shirts and a dirty diaper. Just leave your brain in the car before you go in the theater, and you'll have a great time!

Paperaxle Reviews "Cowboys & Aliens"

This is one of those movies that's real pretty, but when you get home and you think about it, you'll realize that you really didn't like it as much as you thought you did.

In 1875, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) is a criminal who wakes up in the middle of nowhere with a strange device attached to his arm, and no memory of who he is. He is taken to Absolution, a town ruled by Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), a cattle rancher with an iron fist. Lonergan has stolen the Colonel's gold, and Dolarhyde wants revenge. But the two find out their troubles don't mean much when aliens decide to attack Absolution. And Jake is the only person who can defeat the aliens, if he only knew how. A mysterious woman, Ella Swenson (Olivia Wilde) who is more than she appears to be, will help Jake stop the aliens, but she first has to overcome a few problems... like raising herself from the dead.

Now, with a synopsis like this, you would probably think that this makes a premise for a fantastic movie, but you would only be half right. All of the pieces are there, but the director (Jon Favreau) cuts a few corners in order to tell his story. There are way too many "Why doesn't he...?" type questions in the movie. Jake has an "armgun" but yet he rarely uses it, instead preferring to run away from the aliens at every opportunity instead of blasting them. Ella's past is explained, and the how and why of how she came to be in Absolution is unsatisfying. Dolarhyde is shown to be a ruthless and evil man, even resorting to killing when necessary, and yet by the end of the movie, we are expected to actually care for him.

But there are some good aspects in the movie as well. The backstory of how Jake came to be in his situation is well told, and despite how easy it would be for the movie to degenerate into silliness, it maintains a serious tone all the way throughout.

Right after I saw this movie last night, I was ready to give this movie one of my highest recommendations, but after mulling it over for a while, the best I can give this 118 minute movie is a couple of Predators and some used bullets.

Paperaxle Reviews "Captain America: The First Avenger"

I'm a week late with this post. Saw this last Wednesday in Las Vegas, but the Rio hotel charges too much for internet service, so you guys just had to wait until I got back.

Remember the end credit scene of "Thor" earlier this year... the scene where Nick Fury explains that he has found a "Cosmic Cube" and they don't know how to harness its power? This movie is basically the setup for that.

It's 1942, and Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), the leader of HYDRA (Hitler's secret science division), displays his newest find, a cube of immense power, stolen from Odin's treasure room. Meanwhile, in New York City, skinny little Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) becomes 4-F for the umpteenth time, and cannot join the military. Soon he catches the eye of Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who with the military's help, has created a "Super Soldier" formula, that can turn ordinary men into nearly invincible fighting machines. Rogers is tested under the command of Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) in order to determine just how good a soldier Rogers will be.

Dr. Erskine had developed the formula in Germany, and had first tested it on Schmidt, but since it had not been perfected yet, the side effects brought out the evil nature of Schmidt, and turned him into a "Red Skull". Erskine then fled to the US, and perfected the formula here.

When Schmidt (or "Red Skull" as he is now known), learned of Erskine's defection, he ordered the doctor to be assassinated. Soon after Rogers is injected with the formula, Erskine is killed, leaving the military with just the one Super Soldier, soon to be known as Captain America.

Cap is then used as military propaganda to raise the morale of the troops, and is a performer in a stage show in Italy, when he learns that his best friend and a number of soldiers are now prisoners behind enemy lines. In secret, Cap successfully leads a rescue mission to save the men, breaking into a top secret HYDRA base and confronting the Red Skull.

Now convinced of his worth to the military, Cap is allowed to continue to destroy HYDRA bases, in order to stop the Red Skull's plans to take over the world via the Cosmic Cube. In a final confrontation with the Red Skull, Cap learns of his plans to destroy the US with the Cube, and must save America while recovering the Cube for the good guys.

If you had to rank this super-hero movie with the others released so far this year, this would rank up there with "X-Men: First Class". I really liked "Thor", but not quite as much as I did this movie. And although the advanced screening I saw did not have the post credit scene, you'll need to stay a bit longer to catch the trailer for "The Avengers" movie due next summer.

I'd give this 124 minute movie my highest recommendation for this all star, all stripe event... a full fledged "A" for effort, just like the one on Cap's headgear. This movie is so patriotic, it makes Jack Bauer look like a Nazi by comparison.

Paperaxle Reviews "Horrible Bosses"

Remember "Bad Teacher" being a bad movie? You would think that a movie with the word "Horrible" in it would be even worse.

Got a surprise for you. "Horrible Bosses" is the movie that "Hangover 2" should have been. In fact, "Horrible Bosses" is one of the funniest movies I've seen, replacing "Paul" as the best comedy I've seen so far this year.

Pity Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis). They have the worst bosses imaginable. Nick, who is aspiring to be the new Vice President of Sales, has Dave (Kevin Spacey) standing in his way. Nick has been working so hard for a promotion, and Dave keeps dangling the carrot in front of him, only at the last minute Dave gives the position to himself.

And how about Dale? He works as a dental assistant, with Julia (Jennifer Aniston) as his boss, always putting the moves on him, even in front of his fiancee. And if he doesn't go along with her wishes, she has pictures of him on her iPad (taken while he was unconscious) in very compromising situations, that will be used to blackmail him.

And finally there's Kurt. An accountant for a large chemical company. He worked for Jack Pellet (Donald Sutherland), until he got a heart attack and died, leaving the company to his son Bobby (Colin Farrell). When Jack was alive, he was promising the company to Kurt, but with Bobby in charge... Bobby is going to make Kurt's life a living hell.

One day, after drinks, they decide to hire a hitman (a very funny sequence involving a "wetwork man"), and when that goes wrong, they settle for a "murder specialist"... one Motherfucker Jones (played by Jamie Foxx). By the way, his name really isn't "Motherfucker"... and if you watched the original "Love Bug" movie, you'll be able to figure it out.

This movie hits one right note after another. There were any number of times when the jokes could have gone stale, but the movie constantly redeems itself and turns out to be a great comedy. Very nice ending, not rushed or written according to formula. It's such a great movie that a sequel will only cheapen it. And Jeezus... you've never seen Jennifer Aniston like this!

Featuring cameos by Ron White, Bob Newhart, and Barry Livingston (Ernie in "My Three Sons") playing "Professor Xavier", I cant help but give this 98 minute movie four pink slips and the keys to the executive washroom. You'll thank me for recommending this one.

Paperaxle Reviews "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

I'm taking a survey here... just how many people in America are getting tired of Shia LaBeouf? (Translated from the French, the name literally means "Shit after the Fart".) The guy has ruined more movie franchises than Eddie Murphy (by his own admission, Shia has made moviegoers run from "Raiders", took the wrong turn to "Wall Street" and threw a pitchfork into "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"), and has all the acting ability of a deaf man faking an orgasm.

If it wasn't for Transformers, Shia LeBeouf wouldn't even have a career, and since this is apparently the last movie in the trilogy, what's the chance we'll be seeing him again (in a good movie) in the near future?

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is 155 minutes of a plot that goes nowhere, with actors who don't do anything (some of them, like John Malkovich, are totally wasted!), and a very long robot fight.

The movie begins in the early 1960's. A space craft slams into the moon, where it is picked up by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the moon, as a cover to investigate the crash landing, which takes up most of the decade. Unfortunately, this is the point at which the movie stops becoming interesting, even with a cameo by Buzz Aldrin.

Then there's something about Optimus Prime finding evidence of the crash landing on the moon in the present day, and sets off to explore the crash site. He finds Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), and brings him to Earth. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (the aforementioned LeBeouf) can't find a job, despite saving the world from the Decepticons, not once but twice. Sam finally finds a job with Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich) in a wasted role that adds nothing to the movie. However, one of Sam's coworkers, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, he of the "Hangover" series), who provides information to Sam about a new invasion by the Decepticons, before he is killed.

Then there is stuff about the FBI getting involved, and of course that means the return of Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), along with Sam's parents from the previous movies, throwing in everything except Megan Fox, who decided not to participate in this one. Sam has an new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who doesn't do any better or worse in the role that Fox did.

I kept thinking that robots in this movie had died in previous movies, and I can't keep all the names straight. I don't know who was who, what side they fight for, and the last hour is one big robot fight. I don't like all of the cliched characterization in this movie, and except for the special effects, there's nothing much to recommend this at all. Haven't I seen this movie before?

Giving this one two TinkerToys and a bolt cutter. This movie is like eating rainbow sherbet... a little bit is all right, but to keep eating it over and over and over is too much.

Hammer Reviers "Larry Crowne"

So yesterday it was 200 degrees outside and Cherry and I decided to use someone else's air conditioning so we decided to go check out the new Tom Hanks movie - Larry Crowne. We have seen a whole bunch of blockbuster action and comic book movies this summer, but it is great to see something a little different. Tom Hanks’ Playtone Productions' latest project, Larry Crowne, is written by both Hanks and Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) and directed by Hanks himself. The movie is not meant to be overly too exciting and the good thing is the lack in excitement doesn’t mean lack in entertainment - which is really what we are all looking for in a movie.

Tom Hanks plays the title character, a man who takes pride in his retail job where he is underutilized and underappreciated and is abruptly “let go” after years of service because he does not have a college degree and cannot advance any further into a management position. Last I knew, you can't fire someone because they don't have a college degree, so we will assume they they are just downsizing. Anyway, Larry goes through the motions of trying to find a job yet times are tough and he is unable to find another job. We learn that Crowne spent twenty years in the Navy straight out of high school as a cook and he never attended college. He decides that he wants to change that and enrolls in Community College.

He ends up buying a scooter to save money on gas and on his first day of school, he meets free spirited Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) and the rest of her “scooter gang,” including her boyfriend Dell Gordo (Wilmer Valderrama), who helps Larry adjust to his new life. His first class is Speech 217, taught by weary professor Mrs. Tainot (Julia Roberts), who manages to handle her early mornings and a failing marriage with many-a-blended alcoholic drinks.

Crowne also is enrolled in an economics class taught by a Dr. Matusani (George Takei, who was having a good time in this role), as he deals with his financial crises as the holder of one’s toxic mortgage. He also deals with his cell phone being taken away during the class.

So begins Larry's subtle romance with his cynical, troubled speech professor. The relationship between Hanks' and Roberts' characters is downplayed a bit and focuses more on believable, genuine affection towards each other.

The supporting characters in this movie play their parts strongly, never overshadowing the stars, but instead complementing them and creating a well-orchestrated cast: Cedric the Entertainer plays Larry’s quirky neighbor, Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is Mr. Tainot, the writer turned internet blogger/porn-lover husband, Rami Malek (The Pacific), Grace Gummer(Meryl Streep's daughter), and Rita Wilson (Hank's wife) all add to the charm of the movie.

Larry Crowne is Hank's second feature film as a director - 15 years after That Thing You Do. He does a pretty solid job of this one. If you are looking for a break from superheroes, bad teachers, hangovers, or robots, go see something a little light hearted. I give this one a B.

Paperaxle Reviews "Bad Teacher"

Have you ever seen a movie where nothing happens during the film, and the characters at the end of the movie act and behave exactly like they did at the beginning? Have you ever seen a movie where there is not a single character to root for, to empathize with, to even have any feelings for?

Have you ever asked yourself... why bother seeing such a movie?

"Bad Movie"... I mean "Bad Teacher" is easily the worst movie I've seen this year. Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) is a schoolteacher working in the Chicago area, who's main goal in life is to find a rich boyfriend so she can buy a bigger pair of tits (I'm not kidding!). Elizabeth drinks way too much, smokes pot, takes drugs, and generally doesn't care about anyone other than herself. She is so poor, she has to find a roommate on CraigsList.

And during the movie, she doesn't do a single thing to redeem herself. She quits being a schoolteacher to marry her rich fiancee, but he dumps her on the last day of the school year, and the following year, Elizabeth is forced to go back to teaching at the same school. She finds that the new substitute teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), is also rich, and she schemes to win him over. The school gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) is putting the moves on Elizabeth, but since he has no money, she cant stand him.

Finding a new pair of tits costs roughly $9,700, she holds a school car wash to siphon money from the event to fund her surgery. When that doesn't prove to be enough, she discovers that if her class scores the highest in the state on the SAT's, she will win a prize of $5,400 to pay for the rest of the surgery. She then manages to steal a copy of the upcoming test, and then really begins to teach her students how to score.

The movie tries to be "Hangover" raunchy in spots, and there is some nudity (unfortunately not from Cameron Diaz) and a lot of swearing, but it's the most unfunniest comedy I've seen... well, since "The Hangover 2". Not a single character in this movie changes for the better. The only saving grace in this movie is that after 92 minutes, it just ends.

Do yourself a favor... if you want to see a movie like this, rent a copy of "Animal House". I'm giving this movie a just one wormy apple with a bite out of it. If there is a G*d in Heaven, He'll make sure this one doesn't last a second week in the theaters...

Paperaxle Reviews "Green Lantern"

As Kermit the Frog might say, "It's not easy being green". From "The Green Hornet" to "The Green Mile" to "Soylent Green", it seems like you put the word "green" into a movie title, you're asking for trouble.

Just ask Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds). the hero of the new movie "Green Lantern". All he wanted to do was to be the world's best test pilot, and he wound up being an intergalactic space cop.

"Green Lantern" is a very ambitious movie, and it's also a movie that tries to do too much in 114 minutes. You see, Hal is selected by the Green Lantern Corps to be the guardian of Space Sector 2814 (which includes the Milky Way galaxy) by a dying Green Lantern, who crash lands on Earth after being defeated by Parallax, whose ambition is the entire domination of the universe. Parallax feeds on fear, and since Hal Jordan is a "man without fear" (kinda like Daredevil), the ring has selected him to be the new guardian.

Parallax uses a scientist, Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) to help achieve his aims, mainly by growing Hammond's head to Elephant Man proportions and giving him the power to a) read minds, and b) to use psionic powers so he can throw things at Green Lantern. The only purpose of Hammond is to bring Parallax to Earth, and once Parallax is here, the character is no longer needed.

The movie reminded me a lot of "X-Men: First Class" in its ambition, but X-Men had three movies (four counting "Wolverine") to tell part of the backstory. "Green Lantern" tries to do everything in one movie. It would have been better to just relay the origin and training of Hal Jordan as a Green Lantern with a minor villain for him to conquer. Instead the movie has two major villains (with the set up of yet another villain), and a "save the universe while keeping his identity a secret" storyline.

The movie does have a few interesting twists. Hal isn't fooling anyone with that mask, because all his friends know who he is. He has trouble figuring out the special oath which goes with charging the ring (the Guardians of the Universe, who created the Green Lantern Corps, and responsible for supplying the lanterns to keep all 3,600 Green Lanterns with the power to supply the rings with power every 24 hours gave Hal a special oath to recite to recharge his ring)... even going as far as uttering "By the power of Grayskull!" to get the ring charged.

Blake Lively, as Carol Ferris (who runs Ferris Aircraft where Hal works as a test pilot) does not do a great job in the role. When she gets angry, you can't feel it, she's just not tough enough for the role. On the other hand, Mark Strong as Sinestro, another Green Lantern who leads the fight against Parallax with the other members of the Corps, and is also responsible for training Hal to be a Green Lantern, does a great job in the role.

I don't understand the origin of Parallax, which took all of 30 seconds to explain, nor do I understand Sinestro's need to build a yellow power ring to fight Parallax. As I understand it (reading the comic books for over 40 years), green is the color of willpower, while yellow is the color of fear. Green power rings cannot fight yellow, because of a necessary impurity in the ring. If yellow is to represent fear, building a yellow ring to fight Parallax can't work, but it doesn't matter, since the yellow ring is never used against Parallax. In a mid-end credit scene, Sinestro tries on the yellow ring, changing him to an evil super villain, with the resolution of that storyline to be in the sequel.

I wanted to like this, I did like most of it, but it's just too much. I would recommend this, and if you see it, give me the answers to the questions I'm looking for. So far, the movie is getting blasted with terrible reviews, which I don't understand. It's better than that.

Giving this one three mood rings and one bathtub ring. As the movie says "The bigger you are, the faster you'll burn", this one is a big, ambitious movie. It's gonna burn after a week, and I hope I'm wrong...

Sledge Reviews "Midnight in Paris” Starring Owen Wilson

My wife and I were running out of movies to go see this past weekend when this one caught our eye (mainly, the cast and crew did.) So we gassed up the truck, drove the four miles north, and took a chance on a film we'd heard nothing about . . . Not a single trailer, commercial, or mention from friends.

Now I know why.

There's not much of a plot and very little happens. But somehow, it did marginally entertain both of us. Though I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the glimpse of a real plot?

Midnight in Paris is one of those movie scripts that make you wonder why the writer and director ((Woody Allen) didn't take the movie to the next level. It was a damn cool idea and could have been outstanding, but he left us feeling short-changed.

At barely over 100 minutes long, one would expect a simple story, but that wasn't the problem. Allen missed chance after chance to pop the cork and let the genie out of the bottle. The plot was a mix of the wonderful 1980’s flick Somewhere in Time and the first installment of Back to the Future. What Allen tried to do was compelling, but he wrapped the film’s central theme with three current-day, paper-thin characters written by a first year college student (I can’t believe Woody Allen was really involved in this half-effort.)

Rachel McAdams as Inez was hateful, disinterested, boring, and a waste of her fine acting talents. She did look good as a blonde, but that was not enough. I wanted to beat her with a cast iron frying pan so she would leave the screen. Her character, as well as her parents, was forgettable and a major distraction to the plot. There was no point to any of them. They didn’t add anything to the story and could have been dropped from the script all together.

On the flip side, Kathy Bates as Gertrude Stein and Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway were outstanding and great fun. Especially Stoll, who brought Hemingway’s eccentricities to full intensity. Owen Wilson was charming, though a little too much of a hopefless romantic for my tastes.

Unfortunately, I am not much of a history buff when it comes to anything that happened before I was born, let alone Paris of the 1920’s, so I couldn’t appreciate Allen’s effort to introduce us to many of France’s most notable artists. Allen must have assumed the audience would be stuffed with wide-eyed historians, who would catch all the (often subtle) references to supposedly famous writers and artists.

I did learn one thing historically . . . back in the 20's, apparently French artisits spent all of their free time getting loaded at the local tavern. Maybe I would have fit into their world after all?

Then there was the ending: abrupt. Almost like Allen was tired of the making the movie and called it a day.

The million dollar question: Would I recommend this movie? The answer is maybe. Go see this flick if you are a history major who likes time-travel plots mixed in with a potentially wonderful love story that never goes anywhere. Otherwise, wait for it on cable, like I wish I had.

Paperaxle Reviews "Super 8"

Always wanted to know what the J.J. stood for in the name "J.J. Abrams". After seeing this movie, I think it stands for "Just Junk".

The title "Super 8" doesn't refer to the size of Anthony Weiner's dick (although he wants his Twitter followers to think so), nor does it refer to yet another superhero movie on the heels of "X-Men: First Class" (which, by the way, I want to give a big "thank you" to Hammer for reviewing this. I got caught up in a bunch of work, and you children had to take second place). Rather, "Super 8" refers to the type of film used by a group of teenagers used to make a home movie. Most hand held cameras used this type of film in the late 1970's, which is when the film takes place.

In 1979, in the town of Lillian, Ohio, a group of teenagers are filming a home movie about zombies late at night. The scene is a train station just outside of town, and they are in the midst of filming when a train goes by, and some unknown force causes the train to derail, scattering hundreds of boxcars all over the countryside, and bringing in the military to clean up the mess and keep the situation quiet.

And, I'm sorry, but the train crash is the best thing in this movie.

The police are baffled when dogs start disappearing all over the city. The police chief winds up missing as well, as well as other select citizens of Lillian. There is a creature hiding in town, holed up in the cemetery, who only comes out at night. The military won't admit it, and stages a wildfire on the outside of town to evacuate the city so they can capture the monster.

Although the movie looks great, and has some great special effects, with superb acting by the main characters, it ultimately gives you a feeling of "is that all there is"? The ending of the movie is unsatisfying, and overall leaves you with too many unanswered questions. This is a movie about life in a small town, which just happens to have the military pursuing an escaped alien from outer space? And the alien is.... Spider-Man? (Or should that be "Man-Spider"?) Didn't buy it.

What I did buy was the feeling of the 1979 setting of the movie. Lots of ELO music, the clothing, the atmosphere. It was like watching a remake of ET, and I mean that in a good way.

I'd give this 112 minute movie just two Predators and an ALF. For such a "Super" movie, they could have come up with something better than a "Mediocre" plot.

Next week, I'm in Denver, Colorado. Already have tickets for an advance VIP screening of Green Lantern on Wednesday. Check back with me then...

Cherry's Book Review: Water for Elephants

Book Review: “Water for Elephants” by Sara Gruen

Whether you’ve heard of the book or not, you’ve probably heard about the movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson (the Twilight guy). I haven’t seen the movie (and probably won’t) but you should read the book. Here’s why…

Told by Jacob Jankowski, the reader gets to experience one crazy summer of what life was like for a member of the circus during the Great Depression. Jacob is an old man reflecting on how he traded the Ivy League life for that of a traveling circus man. Along the way, Jacob meets very memorable characters and witnesses some horrifying events.

Jacob is a 90+ year old man who spends his very lonely days in a nursing home. His life is predictable, stale, and dissatisfying. Jacob gets through his monotonous days by remembering “the good ole days” of his youth, specifically the summer he worked for the obnoxiously-named Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth. During his adventures, Jacob meets Camel (a circus worker/drunk), Walter (aka Kinko the clown), Uncle Al (circus owner/Ringling Bros. wannabe), Marlena (enchanting performer), Rosie (headlining elephant), and August (a real schmuck).

As the summer progresses and the circus nears bankruptcy, Jacob falls in love with Marlena, August becomes abusive to Marlena, Jacob, and Rosie, Uncle Al’s list of enemies grows exponentially, and someone ends up as dead as a doornail. Crimes are committed, friendships develop, and some very angry circus workers get their revenge.

Don’t see the movie…or at least don’t see it before reading the book. “Water for Elephants” is exciting, thrilling, and a must-read this summer. Visit your local bookstore and pick it up. You won’t regret it.

Happy readings ~ Cherry

Hammer reviews X-Men: First Class

We have seen these types of movies before: Batman Begins, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but this one was different - you will not be disappointed. I liked it a lot. Now, I don't know a lick about the original X-Men comic book series, except for what I learned about the characters from the previous X-Men movies, so perhaps I may be alone.

I'm not going to go into detail about the whole story since the movie was 2 hours and 12 minutes, but I want to point out the outstanding job the writers did with this film. The first scene of this movie is almost identical to the first X-Men film, where Erik Lehnsherr is a young boy at a Nazi concentration camp where we see him bend the gates with his mind as he is separated from his parents. The great thing about this movie is that this film expands on this where the first film did not. We are introduced to Sebastian Shaw, played by none other than Kevin Bacon, who is a Nazi collaborator that experiments on mutants. He is the bad guy in this movie...for a while. We learn what makes Erik the human-hating person that he is as Magneto, while the story unfolds.

This film is a true "origins story" about how Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr meet and why they decide to work together, but then their interests change and they separate to create warring mutant factions (as we've seen in the later films.) The acting and casting were outstanding, as was the superb character introduction and backstory development. As an added bonus, the movie takes place in 1962, so there is plenty of short skirts, cleavage, and a lingerie party that was well...very enjoyable. 

There are a plethora of superhero movies coming out this summer and, after the Thor debacle, this one definitely does not disappoint. If you are a fan of all the X-men movies, this one is definitely worth seeing. I give this one a solid B+.

From Sledge:
Hammer and I saw this movie together and I loved it as well. Might be the best of the series so far. I especially liked the flying, mutant stripper - nice touch. It was obvious that the writers spent a boat-load of time working the backstory for each of the main characters. They explained everything including how X was doomed to spend his life in the wheelchair (much like my Linkage novel's main character Drew), and how Erik ended up with his thought-protecting helmet. Even the origin of the cool X plane was written into a scene. One interesting note... They covered up a deep plot hole I spotted about Raven's age in this flick, which shows the writers put in the time to get it right. Well done. Go see it. Skip Thor. Skip Hangover 2.

Paperaxle Reviews" The Hangover 2"

Man, I'm getting too old for this shit.

This is a movie I don't really want to review. I'll probably be in the minority, but I hated it. I'm getting tired seeing movies of grown men who act like little kids and do stupid things throughout an entire movie. That crap went out with Jerry Lewis and the cast of "Dumb and Dumber". If I was 30 years younger, I might have liked this one a little bit.

Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand. Why? Only because his fiancee's family lives there. And the only three people he invites from America is the rest of the "Wolfpack", including Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Doug (Justin Bartha). Supposed to be a nice quiet time in Thailand, even with the bride's 16 year-old brother tagging along, but of course, things never work out that way.

This movie is one big, nut-filled turd. I've seen it all before in the first movie, and there are very few ideas that were brought to the sequel. It's like "Jackass" with a plot, and not a very good one. The lone standout for me was Bradley Cooper, who had enough sense to rein in his character before it became too unbelievable. Ed Helms, who was the main character in this movie, whines throughout the entire movie about everything, and Zach Galifianakis plays the one-note character he always plays in all of his movies. Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) is also back from the first movie (a little of him goes a long way, and he was in film waaaay too much), and Justin Bartha literally phoned in his role, as he spends the entire time talking on a cell phone with the "Wolfpack".

The entire kitchen sink was thrown into this movie, including the obligatory and for no reason, cameo from Mike Tyson. Of course, we don't find out exactly what happens during the movie, because, like the first movie's end credits, one of the boys had taken pictures all through their adventures the night before, and that's when things begin to make sense. The ending ties up everything with a nice little bow, where all is forgiven by the bride and her family, and is unsatisfying.

Lots of crude humor in this one too, which is ok if you like that sort of stuff. If you like full frontal male nudity with "chicks with dicks", go for it. I was ready to walk out about 45 minutes into this thing, but I couldn't, as both legs were asleep and the rest of me was soon to follow.

Sledge surprised me the other day, by saying how much he hated "Thor", yet loved "Bridesmaids" in an earlier review. (Sledge loved "Bridesmaids"? WTF???) I was going to suggest to him to burn his "Man Card", but after seeing this, I'm ready to throw mine in the fireplace as well.

This movie runs 102 minutes and your time would be better spent doing a crossword puzzle. I can't even begin to think of an appropriate rating I'd give this one, although it would probably involve a monkey and some feces.

FROM SLEDGE: I agree with Paperaxle, this was a cheesy remake of the first. A real stinker. Dull. Uninteresting. Mike Tyson signing on stage was the best they could come up with - that gag says it all. Skip it! See Bridesmaids instead. This one is a waste of money and time.

Sledge Reviews "Bridesmaids” Starring Kristen Wiig

Don't say it. I know what you’re thinking. . . Why did this beer-drinking, ex-hockey player go see a chick flick like this?

I was wondering that myself as I stepped into the theatre just before the trailers were queued up by the projectionist. When I looked up at the crowded stadium seats in my favorite Harkins Theater, I realized I was one of only three men in attendance. Granted, I only bought a ticket to this movie because I had the munchies for some hot popcorn and figured the theatre would be dominated by women, but never expected the turnout to be this extreme. With a ratio of 50 to 1 against, I figured I was going to have trouble staying awake despite the jumbo diet soda I was about to slam down.

Boy, was I wrong.

I loved this movie. Yes, you heard it right, I loved this movie. It was hysterically funny and one of the few movies where my stomach hurt from laughing. Sure, there are a few slow-moving scenes that seemed a little emotionally forced (probably to appease the overabundance of women the script writers knew would be in the audience,) but the jokes were written for men. Sorry ladies, this film and 'The Hangover' are two of the raunchiest comedies to hit the silver screen in a long time. Just my kind of stuff. Hammer, are you listening? All in all, this is a real gem.

Kristen Wiig is a natural comedian with wonderful timing. She plays the role perfectly and, despite the paint-by-numbers plot, the gags were refreshing and funny.  Didn’t get the whole British-speaking Wisconsin cop, but I still liked his character even though he was written a little thin. He served his purpose.

The opening sex scene sets the tone for the entire movie so buckle-up and enjoy. It's not easy to make body-pounding, endless sex funny, but they managed to do so quite well.

My only complaint was that the girls never actually made it to Vegas for the bachelorette party. I know the Sin City road trip thing has been done to death, but it would have made this wonderful movie even funnier.

Discounting my one complaint, I recommend that you go see this flick. I could go on and on about the plot and what happens along the way, but I don’t want to spoil anything for you. Instead, let's just summarize it quickly: A hodgepodge group of thirty-something women get together and plan a wedding while trying to keep their own twisted lives in working order. Along their journey, stuff happens and they deal with it. Nuff said about the plot. It's the characters that make this film work.

However, I should warn of few of the prudes out there... if you’re not fond of adolescent, out-of-bowl-experience humor, then SKIP this movie. For the rest of us who actually have a sense of humor, get your ticket today and stand in line. You’ll enjoy it.



Paperaxle Reviews a Review of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"

This time kids, we're going to do something a little bit different. I'll admit, I didn't see this movie earlier this week, but my wife did. So I had her give me her review, and I'll review that review so I can give you a review of this movie. And quit complaining... as Elwood Blues used to say... "Whaddya want for nothing? A rrrrubbber biscuit?"

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is on a mission to find the lost Fountain of Youth. His previous ship, the Black Pearl, has been destroyed on a previous movie (I don't know which one, I haven't seen the last two installments and didn't like the first one), so he has to find a new ship to launch his journey. Jack's father, Captain Teague (Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones) warns Jack not to make the attempt to find the Fountain.

Jack runs into Angelica (Penelope Cruz), a former girlfriend, who is now a pirate and the daughter of Blackbeard (who had previously destroyed the Black Pearl), and is taken aboard Angelica's ship to find the Fountain.

My wife was telling me all this, and mentioned something about mermaids and voodoo dolls, and I was trying to keep my eyes open, but that's all I can remember. I do know that if you love these movies, this one is the best installment since the first movie, and you'll want to stay for a post-credit scene that sets up the next movie. Pam is giving this 137 minute movie three peg-legs and a parrot.

Sorry guys, I'll try to do better for the six or seven of you that follow this blog. This weekend I have tickets for a movie that I had to sign an agreement not to reveal, which means I can't review it until October or face the wrath of the studio that puts out this movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei5l3r1dV4I

But don't worry, I'll be back next week with reviews of "Hangover 2" and "Attack the Block", and the week after that will be "X-Men: First Class" which I already have my screener passes for.

Paperaxle Reviews "The Beaver"

Mel Gibson once took his fame, bottled it up, shoved it up his ass, and lit the fuse. After the subsequent implosion, he now wants to uncork his butt and continue with his career.

I'd been hearing about this movie for a long time. Originally Steve Carell or Jim Carrey were going to star in this movie, but they soon lost interest, leaving Mel Gibson as the first person since Robert DeNiro (in "Taxi Driver") to be interested in Jodie Foster's "Beaver" (and that's a huge reach for such a dumb joke).

I used to like Mel Gibson, even when he was directing those movies in foreign languages that you needed a Rosetta Stone to translate. Then one day he was stopped for a DUI and was arrested by two officers he referred to as "Sergeant Sugar Tits" and "Captain Christ Killing Jew". Then he drank some more, divorced his wife to live with his longtime girlfriend and had another kid, beat her up and got himself arrested again for domestic violence, and then I, like any good Catholic would, gave up Mel Gibson movies for Lent, and never went back.

Until yesterday.

"The Beaver" is the story of Walter Black (Mel Gibson), the CEO of a large toy company who suffers from severe depression, which is affecting his career and his personal life. The stock in his company is nearly worthless, his wife (played by Jodie Foster, who also directed the film) wants a divorce, his two sons don't want anything to do with him.

Walter is living in a cheap hotel room, and does nothing but sleep and feel sorry for himself. He runs across a hand puppet (the "Beaver") in a dumpster one day and takes it to his hotel room, and, during a bout of attempted suicide, the "Beaver" comes to life. Walter can only relate to others through the "Beaver", which Walter wears constantly throughout most of the rest of the movie, and the "Beaver" begins to help him put his life back together.

Although there are some funny moments during the movie, it deals honestly and intelligently with a very serious subject. I very much enjoyed this movie, and would highly recommend it to any fan (or ex-fan) of Mel Gibson. This is the first time I enjoyed a Mel Gibson movie in several years.

The downside of this movie is that it will not get a wide release. It was released on May 6th, to limited showings, and is, by all accounts, a box office "flop", with the worst showing of a Mel Gibson or a Jodie Foster movie ever. This movie was due to be in wide release on May 20th, but the plans for that have been scrapped.

Keep this one in mind when it makes its DVD release in a few weeks. It's well worth an hour and a half of your time.

Paperaxle Reviews "Kung Fu Panda 2"

Today, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Let's suppose you own a business and are looking for a free way to promote what you have. In this case, my wife owns a Karate school, and we have been looking for all kinds of cheap advertising to help promote the business. In January, I got the bright idea to call movie theaters to see if we could do a cross promotion with "Kung Fu Panda 2". AMC Deer Valley 30 for example, has invited us to sponsor a booth in the lobby during Memorial Day weekend to advertise our business, and in return we are advertising "Kung Fu Panda 2" enrollment specials for the school. The promotions director for this movie also gave us a batch of 200 tickets for a special sneak preview of this movie last Saturday. Didn't cost us a thing.

So, it took four months to put these promotions together. Because I know the promoters of some of these movies very well, my wife and I haven't paid for a movie in months, always seeing movies days or weeks before they come out in theaters. Which is a boon for the readers of this website, because you're getting reviews of movies well before they come out, in most cases. (See why you should subscribe?)

Later this week, I'll be reviewing the new Mel Gibson movie "The Beaver", and "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides". (Although, truth to tell, I'm trying to get out of this screening, as I haven't seen one of these movies at all. Next to a teacup ride at Disneyland, pirate movies are my second most hated thing in the world! OK, people clipping their fingernails and bananas are things I hate that are way up on the list... )

Go see this movie. It's pretty good. Better than the first one. I give it one of my highest recommendations... four bamboo stalks and a skadoosh!

Oh, wait... you're reading this column expecting a review?

Jack Black voices Po, a panda who tragically lost his parents as a young cub, and subsequently becomes a kung fu master. He is trained by Master Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) and protects the Valley of Peace along with the Furious Five (a selection of animals including a tiger, a praying mantis, a monkey, a viper and a crane). An albino peacock (voiced by Gary Oldman) threatens to take over all of China and wipe out kung fu forever with a secret weapon, for which Po and the Furious Five have to stop him.

That's the whole plot in a nutshell. Po confronts his past and learns new things about himself, and the movie makes great work out of the 3-D special effects. This movie is in fact, one of the best 3-D movies so far this year. I remember very little about the first movie, but the plot and characterization of this movie even brought a smile to my face, even though Jack Black hasn't made a decent movie since "Tropic Thunder", and even he wasn't very good in that. If you ever want to punish your children for drawing on the kitchen walls with a crayon, you can't punish them any harder than making them sit through "Gulliver's Travels".

The movie runs 100 minutes and is due to be released on May 26th.

Paperaxle Reviews "Priest"

As I was driving to this preview last night, I saw this huge billboard saying something along the lines of "Jesus Christ is coming May 21st... the Bible guarantees it! Will you be ready?" Well, I'm hoping to, having the house painted this weekend...

Priests and vampires have fought for centuries, with the Priests finally winning the war over the vampires, and are now being driven into hiding. The Veteran Priest (played by Paul Bettany) is now living inside the walled city of the Church, where daylight is never seen. One day, the Priest hears that there is reported vampire activity, with Black Hat (leader of the vampires, played by Karl Urban) kidnapping the Priest's daughter. The Priest goes to the Church for help, but the Church refuses to acknowledge that vampires still exist, so the Priest goes into exile to rescue his kidnapped daughter, in defiance of the church.

There really isn't much of a plot. There is nothing original or exciting about the fight scenes, and you know going in, that there will be a sequel. It's barely interesting enough to warrant a view on HBO or a DVD rental. And like Thor, there is absolutely no reason for this to be released in 3-D. If I hadn't seen this for free, I wouldn't have liked this movie at all.

With the world ending after next week after the Second Coming, you can do better than wasting money on this one. I have it on good authority that your soul won't be saved by watching this. At 87 minutes, it's an hour and a half too long.

I'm giving this one half an "Our Father" and a third of a "Hail Mary". You can pray all you want to, but I ain't changing my mind.

Paperaxle Reviews "Thor"

Pretty historic weekend... the Royal Wedding on Friday, I turned 50 on Saturday and Osama bin Laden lost his left eye and his life on Sunday.

But I only celebrated one of these events. On Saturday, I was allowed to see an advanced screening of "Thor". And while it's not as good as "Iron Man", it is better than either the "Hulk" or "Fantastic Four" movies.

It's a complicated plot, but in short, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is a Norse god who lives with his half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), and his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) and mother Frigga (played by Rene Russo... when have we seen her last?). Thor, being the oldest, is about to ascend to the title of King, and Loki is very jealous of this. The ceremony is interrupted by the Frost Giants, who were in a battle with Odin several hundred years before. The Frost Giants have been trying to conquer the Nine Realms (including Earth), however Odin and the Asgardians defeated the Frost Giants and took their source of power (the Casket of Ancient Winters) and now both sides have been living under a truce for nearly a thousand years.

Thor, accompanied by Loki, Sif (a childhood friend) and the Warriors Three, against Odin's order, journey to confront Laufey (king of the Frost Giants) and wind up doing battle, whereupon Odin is forced to intervene to save their lives, and in return Odin strips Thor of his power and exiles him to Earth along with Thor's hammer (Mjolnir) in order to teach Thor humility and respect.

Now the movie really begins. Reading the above, it sounds like a boring movie, and your butt might get "thor", and you'll be in search for an "Asgard", but believe me, all that happened so far takes up about a half hour of screen time.

Landing in New Mexico, Thor is found by the scientist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and he finds out that his hammer has been discovered by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., a top secret military organization seen in the Iron Man movies. (That's the organization led by Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson, so you can see how these movies all tie together.) Thor has to break into the military outpost where they are keeping Mjolnir, and once Thor retrieves the hammer, he finds that he is no longer worthy of wielding it.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki has become King. Odin, overcome with stress, has fallen into the "Odinsleep". This sleep allows Odin to recuperate and recharge his powers, and can last for many years. We find out Loki's true father is Laufey, king of the Frost Giants, and offers Laufey the chance to kill Odin. And to keep Thor out of the way forever, a Destroyer (which is like a giant robot) is dispatched to Earth to kill Thor. Sif and the Warriors Three head to Earth to help Thor tackle this robot, and Thor... dies.

The movie has some humor, very good humor, and even Stan Lee (the creator of Thor) joins in the fun as a truck driver, trying to lift the hammer with chains and a pickup truck. And be sure to stay past the credits for an after scene (the only time Nick Fury makes an appearance) that sets up next year's "Avengers" movie.

Even though the movie is in 3-D, there is really no reason for this. None of the special effects are enhanced in 3-D. I kept thinking that Thor will, at some point, throw the hammer at the screen, but the technology appears to be wasted. Doesn't happen.

In short, I'd give this movie four hammers and a nail. I recommend it, but the movie could have been improved with a better first half. I'll probably see it again before the regular run starts on Friday, May 6th. It's 119 minutes long, and could have 10 to 15 minutes shaved off to make a tighter story.

Hammer's Top 10 Must See Sports Movies

Sports movies are not everyone cup of tea, but being the movie buff that I am, I like them nonetheless. From the Little League team I played on as a kid to the beer-league hockey team I play on today, sports has always been a part of my life. So here we go with my top 10 must see sports movies.

10. Jerry Maguire (1996). This movie stars Tom Cruise as a sports agent named Jerry Maguire who one day has a epiphany and is fired for expressing it to all of his fellow sports agents. His new philosophy leads him to only have 1 client, Arizona Cardinals receiver Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) who is from Arizona, broke Arizona Records, and went to Arizona State. He's a Sun Devil! He is the only client that stays with him. He also has a secretary named Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) who stays with him to help with his business. This movie not only a great sports flick, but a great human element with the relationship of Jerry Maguire and Dorthy Boyd. Cuba Gooding Jr. earned a Academy Award for his portrayal of Rod Tidwell. I think I like this movie the most because the Arizona Cardinals actually make the playoffs at a time when they could barely win 5 games. Believe me people, we have suffered our fair share of poor pro football in Arizona. So all you fans out there whose teams have only one or two losing seasons - SHUTTY!

9. The Natural (1984) - Robert Redford plays Roy Hobbs, a average baseball player with "natural" talent during the early 1920's. He ends up getting shot after having a affair with a woman and she bails out a window to her death. The story skips ahead 16 years, where a 35 year old rookie is called up to a fictional National League team the New York Knights. His natural baseball talent helps the Knights race for the pennant. The movie is not just about baseball. It's about, tragedy, triumph, success in America. This is probably one of the best baseball movies of all time.

8. Rudy (1993) - I know there many of you out there who loathe Notre Dame football (including myself) but I really liked this movie. This movie is based on a true story which I think makes it even better. Sean Astin plays Rudy Reuttiger who has always been told he is too small too play college football, especially for his favorite team - Notre Dame. Rudy was not the best student in high school, but he is determined to enroll at Notre Dame to play football. The movie documents the blood sweat and tears it took for Rudy to realize his dream. The movie is a great showcase of determination and perseverance beyond football and shows that you have to work to get what you want in life.

7. Vision Quest - (1985) - I know what your thinking - where did I get this one from? The film stars Mathew Modine as Louden Swain, a high school wrestler who decides he wants to do something with his life. He decides to drop 2 weight classes to wrestle the best high school wrestler in the state of Washington - 3 time state champion Brian Shute who has never been defeated. The twist is that his father rents out a room to a drifter named Carla (Linda Fiorentino) who Swain falls in love and puts his goal in Jeopardy. I guarantee that you will like this movie - check it out - plus Madonna makes a appearance in her first major motion picture.

6. Field of Dreams (1989) - Another top baseball movie for me adopted from the novel by W.P. Kinsella called Shoeless Joe. I read it - its good - check it out (yes, I do read books too). Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) is a rural Iowa farmer who one day hears a voice that say, "If you build it, he will come". He gets a vision to build a baseball field in his cornfield and does so spontaneously. He builds it right in the middle of his cornfield despite the financial trouble his farm in in. One year passes without incident until one day a ghost appears who turns out to be Shoeless Joe Jackson (Ray Liotta). The Chicago White Sox come to play - and of course there is more to the story.

5. Seabiscuit (2003) This is the only film I like about horse racing - well its actually more that about horse racing. The film is based on the racing career of a horse named Seabiscuit, who was undersized and overlooked Thoroughbred race horse. The story also follows three men, the jockey named Red Pollard (Tobey Macguire), the owner named Charles S. Howard (Jeff Bridges), and the trainer named Tom Smith (Chris Cooper). The horse rises to fame during The Great Depression and becomes a media sensation and Championship race horse. This film is well done and is a great testament to those he lived during those troubled times.

4. Caddyshack (1980) I am a terrible golfer, but enjoy playing the game whenever I can. This is the first comedy to make the list, but is really a great golf picture I enjoy a lot. If Animal House was a sports movie, it would definitely make the list. But Caddyshack will be close enough to that movie. The film is about the caddies and members at the fictional Bushwood Country Club. The movie is packed full of stars such as Chevy Chase, Ted Knight, Bill Murray, and the great Rodney Dangerfield. The movie is basically about how this exclusive club must deal with it's caddies and the upcoming caddy tournament, a brash new member, and a destructive gopher. Check it out - its a classic.

3. Major League (1989) This is my favorite baseball movie of all time. Sorry Bull Durham fans, that movie only had a couple of funny parts and can not stand up to this film. This comedy also has a great cast including Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Corbin Bernsen, Rene Russo, Dennis Haysbert, and the great Bob Uecker. The film is about the fictionalized owner and players of the Cleveland Indians. The owner dies and his ex-showgirl wife inherits the team and intends to move the team to Florida by getting out of a city lease by having low attendance. So she decides to put together the worst team she can to finish in last place. There are great one-liners in this movie and Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle pretty much steals the show.

2. Slap Shot (1977) This movie is about a fictional minor league hockey team named the Charlestown Chiefs in the fictional Federal League. The team is in financial trouble due to the mill closing in town and attendance dwindling. The main character is player coach Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman) who is a con man that manipulates his team to his own advantage. So the team picks up the Hanson Brothers who are all 3 goons on the ice, and are like little kids off the ice. Dunlop plays the 3 brothers in one game and they start creating havoc on the ice. Of course, the fans respond and love it. The team's new style gets them to the championship game versus the Syracuse Bullldogs who have goon players such as Ogie Ogelthorpe and Tim "Dr Hook" McCracken. This movie is beloved by all North American hockey players and fans alike and many have said that this is the best hockey film ever made - well I disagree with that.

1B. Miracle (2004) This is one of the best hockey films ever made and is my number one on my Top 10 must see sports movies. This movie is about the 1980 United States Olympic Hockey Team lead by coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell) who shocked the world by winning the Gold Medal. The movie is mainly around the "Miracle on Ice" when the severe underdog United States team defeated the heavily favored Soviet Union in the medal round. Herb Brooks takes over as the coach of USA Hockey and adopts a new practice style and strategy to defeat the Soviet Union. He chooses his team of 20 that was made up of mostly college hockey players. The team goes through its ups and downs leading up to the Olympic Games. The one thing I love about this movie is they actually got actors who play hockey and can skate. No offense to other sports movies out there, but it definitely adds to the realism to the movie. By the way, the United Stated defeated Finland to win the Gold.

1A. Mystery Alaska - 1999 - This is the other best hockey film ever made. The basic premise of the movie is a fictional town called Mystery has the Saturday hockey game that is the event of the week. The team is made up of several townspeople and the Town Sheriff (Russell Crowe) is the "Captain" and the old veteran who has lost a step or two. A article appears in Sports Illustrated that describes the town and their appreciation of hockey that a former resident Charles Danner (Hank Azaria) sets up a game between this team against the New Your Rangers (barf - at least it was not the Red Wings). Anyone who has played pickup hockey or in a beer league will love this movie. There is a lot of banter between teamates that makes it fun. This movie is a little far fetched, but in the end it is a lot of fun. Definately check it out.