Paperaxle Reviews "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

I'm taking a survey here... just how many people in America are getting tired of Shia LaBeouf? (Translated from the French, the name literally means "Shit after the Fart".) The guy has ruined more movie franchises than Eddie Murphy (by his own admission, Shia has made moviegoers run from "Raiders", took the wrong turn to "Wall Street" and threw a pitchfork into "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"), and has all the acting ability of a deaf man faking an orgasm.

If it wasn't for Transformers, Shia LeBeouf wouldn't even have a career, and since this is apparently the last movie in the trilogy, what's the chance we'll be seeing him again (in a good movie) in the near future?

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is 155 minutes of a plot that goes nowhere, with actors who don't do anything (some of them, like John Malkovich, are totally wasted!), and a very long robot fight.

The movie begins in the early 1960's. A space craft slams into the moon, where it is picked up by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the moon, as a cover to investigate the crash landing, which takes up most of the decade. Unfortunately, this is the point at which the movie stops becoming interesting, even with a cameo by Buzz Aldrin.

Then there's something about Optimus Prime finding evidence of the crash landing on the moon in the present day, and sets off to explore the crash site. He finds Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), and brings him to Earth. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (the aforementioned LeBeouf) can't find a job, despite saving the world from the Decepticons, not once but twice. Sam finally finds a job with Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich) in a wasted role that adds nothing to the movie. However, one of Sam's coworkers, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, he of the "Hangover" series), who provides information to Sam about a new invasion by the Decepticons, before he is killed.

Then there is stuff about the FBI getting involved, and of course that means the return of Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), along with Sam's parents from the previous movies, throwing in everything except Megan Fox, who decided not to participate in this one. Sam has an new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who doesn't do any better or worse in the role that Fox did.

I kept thinking that robots in this movie had died in previous movies, and I can't keep all the names straight. I don't know who was who, what side they fight for, and the last hour is one big robot fight. I don't like all of the cliched characterization in this movie, and except for the special effects, there's nothing much to recommend this at all. Haven't I seen this movie before?

Giving this one two TinkerToys and a bolt cutter. This movie is like eating rainbow sherbet... a little bit is all right, but to keep eating it over and over and over is too much.