Paperaxle Reviews "Conan the Barbarian"

There was a series on Sci-Fi not too long ago, called "Stargate: Atlantis", whereby a character named Ronon Dex, who comes from the Pegasus Galaxy, teams up with the Atlantis expedition in season 2 and remains with them for the next four years. The guy who played Ronan had to endure 5 pounds of dreadlocks on his head for 3 years, but the weight of the dreadlocks caused him to have severe headaches, so he shaved them off at the beginning of season 5, but the producers weren't too happy with that, and forced him to wear a heavy wig for the remainder of that season.

Ronan Dex was played by Jason Momoa, and apparently since he could carry the weight of 5-pound dreadlocks for four years, he could carry the weight of starring in a movie like "Conan the Barbarian". Now he is sharing his severe headaches with the rest of us.

Conan is one of those movies that, although it's not really that bad, it's also not that great.

As Morgan Freeman tells us, Conan was born in the midst of battle with a neighboring tribe of warriors (his mother is stabbing and killing the bad guys even as her water breaks!), and after his mother dies giving birth, he is raised by his father (played by Ron Perlman), who is the leader of the Cimmerians. Apparently, seven different tribes of the nation of Hyboria each took a piece of a crown that produces immense power, so that no one tribe can possess the crown. Khaler Zym (played by Stephen Lang) is an evil warlord who overthrows six of the seven tribes to claim pieces of the crown, with the Cimmerians being the only holdout. Zym kills Conan's father and claims the seventh piece, and Conan spends the next few years tracking him down for revenge.

And that's pretty much the whole story. There is something about Zym's daughter (played by Rose McGowan) being a witch, and the necessity of Zym needing the pure blood of one fair maiden (who Conan rescues and is now his love interest). The story does make sense and is fairly easy to follow, but there is no great acting to carry out the plot. Jason Momoa plays Conan as if he is James Bond, and comparisons to Ahnold Schwartzenegger are going to be inevitable.

If you haven't yet gotten enough blood and violence from a "Final Destination" movie, the movie will satisfy, and there are plenty of topless women which also help the story along. The movie is also in 3-D, but it wasn't actually filmed that way (it was converted to 3-D after the movie was filmed).

I'm giving this 112 minute movie a couple of loincloths and a wooden sword. Save your money for the Blockbuster rental.