Paperaxle Reviews "Rock of Ages"

On Memorial Day, my wife and were standing on top of the Empire State Building in New York City (true story! Pictures on Facebook!), trying to decide what to do next. She suggested a Broadway show, specifically "Rock of Ages", so we took the elevator 86 floors down to the street, walked down to the theater to get tickets, and since it was a holiday and most theaters were "dark"... the show was closed for that day. (But across the street was "Phantom of the Opera" , which was open, so it wasn't a total loss...)

 

As fate would have it, I was able to catch an advance screening of this movie earlier this week, so for those of you who have/want tickets to see this at a screening next week, or for the more fortunate who can wait a while (a loong while!), here's what you can expect from the movie...

The movie takes place in 1987 on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles. Coincidentally, I was working in Los Angeles during most of that year, and spent quite a bit of time on the Sunset Strip (mainly at Mel's Drive-In, which was the location used for the movie "American Graffiti"), just up the road from the Tower Records location (which closed in 2006) and the Chateau Marmont (used in the movie as Tom Cruise/Stacee Jaxx' hotel room, and where John Belushi fatally learned in 1982 that "speedball" was not a sport). But I digress...

 

Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) is riding a bus from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Hollywood in hopes to make it as a singer. After a big round of "Sister Christian" (Night Ranger - 1984) sung by everyone on the bus, she makes it to Hollywood, where her suitcase full of vinyl records is stolen (and how can anyone lift a suitcase full of records? According to FAA regulations, you would need a bank loan just to pay to get that thing on an airplane!). Fortunately, Drew Boley (Diego Boneta), a bartender who works at a nearby nightclub "The Bourbon Room" has seen the incident, and offers Sherrie a job working in the bar working as a waitress.

Meanwhile, The Bourbon Room is under attack by a group of women who want to shut down the bar. Led by Mayor Whitmore's wife, Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones), the bar is a hotspot of evil rock and roll music, which is corrupting the youth along the Sunset Strip. (And how come, since these women are against rockinroll - it's pronounced as one word in this movie... do they have to sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" - Pat Benatar - 1989! - to make their point? Isn't that defeating the purpose?) 

The only way to save The Bourbon Room, run by Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin) and Lonny Barnett (Russell Brand) is to get Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) to perform, to raise the needed money to keep the bar from being demolished. As luck would have it, Stacee is without an opening act, and Drew is called upon to perform, which he does by singing "I Wanna Rock" (Twisted Sister - 1984). Ultimately, Stacee's performance can't save the Room, because Stacee's manager, Paul Gill (Paul Giamiatti) has worked the contract in such a way that, although the concert is a success, the Room now owes them $6 dollars!

 

Other stuff happens in the first hour. Stacee is interviewed by Constance Sack (Malin Akerman), a reporter from Rolling Stone magazine, who later publishes a not so nice article about him. Drew and Sherri fall in love at the Tower Records store. (And I don't remember this particular Tower Records store being this heavy in dealing with vinyl records in 1987... I remember them mostly dealing with the new way to listen to music at that time... which were as compact disc. And record albums wrapped in plastic and selling for $9.44? I remember buying them at $12.95 that year, when I could find them!)

 

But after the first hour, the novelty wore off, and I was looking for an ending to this movie. And that's about the time that Dennis and Lonny have their big love scene, set to "Can't Fight This Feeling" (REO Speedwagon - 1984). This is the point where I said to my wife "I'm going home to feed our pet turtle. But first I need to stop by Petsmart to buy one to feed. See you later!", but I was forced to stay. You guys watching this movie... when you hear this song... make an excuse to leave... and don't say I didn't warn you!

So, to make a long story short, Gill wants to sign Drew to be in a new boy band (ZZ-GuyEE - double the Z, double the E, double the flavor), which I guess predates the year when boy bands were actually popular (Backstreet Boys - 1993?). Drew and Sherri have a major break-up, Sherri goes to work for the "Venus Club" (for Gentlemen), the boy band is a failure, Hulk beats up Loki, and agents J and K save the world from being blown up by aliens. (You don't think I'm gonna tell you how it's ends? C'mon... I had to watch the whole thing! You don't get off that easy!)

Don't get me wrong... there are some funny parts to this movie, but overall... it's got a lot of campy humor to it. Sort of like a Batman TV show marathon, with music. It's a bit over the top for me, because a little can go a long way, and in this case, a lot went a short way. But the movie also wears on you. Too much singing and dancing. I remember when I was working in LA back then... not once did I come to the office and have co-workers sing and dance to "Working for the Weekend" (Loverboy -1981). And of all the bars I used to hit in LA... not one of them was like The Bourbon Room. I remember bars being more like Teknopop and Herbie Hancock ("Rockit" - 1983) instead of the big hair band music. And what's the point of setting this in a specific year? Only two of the twenty-four songs were even released in 1987!

Overall, I'd give this movie three signal bars on a disposable cell phone, and that's only because of the novelty and some of the humor. Tom Cruise did a great job as Stacee (although I could have lived my entire life without seeing him in a thong), and Julianne Hough was memorable as Sherrie. Both Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand started out pretty good, and then got embarrassing as the movie went on. 

And another thing... women are being used in the movie way too much as human Q-Tips... Tom Cruise must have the cleanest ears in Hollywood...

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Fifty Shades of Grey

Have you been looking for your inner goddess and can't seem to find her? Well don't turn to EL James' hit book Fifty Shades of Grey for any satisfaction whatsoever. My book club chose to follow the craze and read this book like every other woman in America right now. Of the five of us not a single person liked it. It was THAT bad!

If you've been living under a rock (or just avoid magazines, newspapers, MSN homepages, television, and the like) you may not know what book I'm reviewing. The first of a trilogy (yep, there are two more in this series!), EL James writes of a young coed named Anastasia Steele. She is not only young but also naïve, silly, and downright annoying. She meets a slightly older man named Christian Grey who is rich, good-looking, and more controlling and abusive than Stanley was to Stella in A Streetcar Named Desire. I don't get the attraction but somehow Christian casts his spell on Anastasia and before she knows it, she has signed a nondisclosure agreement to have really weird sex with a man who is hiding his past. The most unfortunate thing about this story is that it goes nowhere. Seriously, nothing happens in this book. Ana shares the very odd details of losing her virginity and tragically uses phrases like “holy cow” and “inner goddess” as if she is in junior high school. Ugh.

I cannot defend this book in any way and I certainly recommend avoiding the temptation to read what everyone else is reading. It's not kinky, sexy, erotic...it's just plain bad writing about two twenty-somethings who contribute to an abusive relationship. Not exactly good times. On that note, avoid the bandwagon and skip this book. You'll thank me later.

Happy reading! ~Cherry

Paperaxle Review: "John Carter"

Take two scoops of “Buck Rogers”, a half cup of “Cowboys and Aliens”, a dash of early Superman (strange visitor from another planet who initially couldn’t fly, but could leap an eighth of a mile), a pinch of Conan and a smidgen of “Where the Wild Things Are”, mix well and you get the recipe for the new movie “John Carter”.

I was initially hoping it was about what happens to the doctor played by Noah Wyle in the television series “ER”, because during the last year or two of that program, that was the only character that I even liked. But it’s not that John Carter. No… this John Carter is a Civil War veteran who in 1881 discovers a mysterious “cave of gold” in the Arizona Territory which somehow transports him to the planet Mars (also known as “Barsoom”, which sounds like a bad cartoon sound effect used in Mad Magazine to describe an explosion).

Once on Barsoom/Mars, Carter (played by Taylor Kitsch) finds he has “superpowers” due to the lighter gravity of the planet. His strength has increased ten-fold and can now leap over tall buildings in a single bound. In a nutshell, the entire plot consists of one band of warriors pitted against another band of warriors, with our boy Johnny caught in the middle, and all he wants to do is get back home to Earth. To describe much more of the story would be beyond my capabilities, because I started getting lost a little bit in keeping the details straight.

During his adventures, Carter meets (and falls in love with) the princess of Helium, Dejah Thoris (played by Lynn Collins) and even adopts a “dog” named Woola, who provides the comic relief in this movie. There are several well placed “easter eggs” in this movie, most notably that of the character Edgar Rice Burroughs (who in real life, actually created John Carter of Mars, as well as Tarzan of the Apes).

The screenplay (by the director Andrew Stanton, as well as Mark Andrews and Michael Chabon, who wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning book of 2000 “The Amazing Adventures of Cavalier and Clay”) is very well written, with moments of true humor and thrilling action. Any fault I find with this 132 minute movie is due to a minor flare up of my “wince-o-meter” which went into overdrive during the last 20 minutes or so of the movie. Things wrapped up a little too quickly, with a few unexplained questions that weren’t addressed. It was like the screenwriters didn’t know if they should have a sequel or not, so they covered their bets.

The movie is in 3-D, which it didn’t need to be, and is rated PG-13, probably for some violence and gore. I’d give this one three “Barsooms”… it’s enjoyable with great special effects and the story is good enough to want to see more of the characters. I’d even go a little bit higher if the ending wasn’t so rushed.

Paperaxle Reviews "Contagion"

Whatever you might have heard about this movie, it isn't true. It's not a thriller, it's not scary and there really are things that spread like fear, like grape jelly on a warm peanut butter sandwich.

Here's the whole plot... people react to a virus that has spread over a course of a few days. Some people die, some people don't. Some people panic, some people react calmly. And some people stay awake through this movie, and some people leave the theater.

Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns home from a business trip in Hong Kong. While in Hong Kong, she catches an illness, which she spreads to her lover during a layover in Chicago, and then to her family in Minneapolis. Within a couple of days, she is dead, her son is dead, but her husband Thomas (Matt Damon) is mysteriously immune to the disease.

But that isn't the whole story. There are subplots within the movie, like Alan Krumwiede's (Jude Law) crusade to find the truth behind a supposed government cover-up of the disease. Dr. Leonora Orantes (Marion Cotillard) is trying to combat the disease in Malaysia. Drs. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne) and Erin Mears (Kate Winslet) are trying to work through the Atlanta Center for Disease Control to find a cure.

But none of this matters, because... and I'll go ahead and spoil it for you right now... although they do find a cure by the end of the movie, it will be over a year before the cure is available to everyone. Millions of people die, and there is no real resolution to the movie. There is no sense of fear, no race to find a cure is depicted in the movie, and the big reveal at the end is how the disease began. By that time, we don't care.

There is no sense of urgency in this 115 minute movie, and you find yourself checking your watch several times in two hours. I'll give this one some hand sanitizer and a box of Kleenex. Avoid this one like the plague.

Paperaxle Reviews "Moneyball"

Chico Escuela may bemoan the fact that "Baseball... been berra berra good... to me", but to Billy Beane (Brad Pitt), the general manager of the Oakland Athletics, baseball hasn't always been kind. Beane played for four major league teams in five years, and always as a reserve outfielder, with a career batting average of just .219 and only three home runs. He left major league baseball in 1990 after failing to make the major league roster that year, and went to work for the A's, first as an advance scout, and then as general manager.

It was while Beane was GM during the 90's that he was told by the new owners of the A's that payroll would be drastically slashed. In 2001, where the majority of the story takes place, the New York Yankees had a payroll of $115 million per year, while the A's had just $36 million to work with. As a result, three of the major players on that team who became free agents that year left for the greener pastures of other major league teams.

It was during a visit to the offices of the Cleveland Indians that Beane meets Peter Brand (Jonah Hill), a whiz kid who developed a specialized computer program that determines undervalued baseball players, and their affordability, which Beane then uses to rebuild his crippled baseball team. Beane has to convince the owners that baseball can be run by computers instead of scouting agents and field managers, and the A's can create a baseball team at a fraction of the cost of other major league teams.

Art Howe (Philip Seymour Hoffman), who is the manager of the team disagrees, and continuously fights with Beane over player placement on the team. Howe will not budge, and the players cannot play on the positions that are assigned to them by Beane and his computer program. Halfway though the season, the A's are the worst team in baseball...

Then it gets better. And to say anymore, especially to those of you unfamiliar with the Oakland A's, will just ruin the story for you. If you have to know what happens to the Athletics during the 2001-2002 baseball season, then google it. You'll be surprised.

Moneyball is one of those movies you'll hate to admit that you like. I don't follow baseball, don't know anything about players, or teams, or even what a baseball is made of. But I really liked this movie. It is funny (not in a "Major League" kinda way though), suspenseful (will Beane's computer program win a Series for the A's?), and you'll be rooting for this movie like you would for your home team as you sit behind home plate.

The movie runs about 135 minutes, and will be in theaters on September 23rd. I'm giving this one four balls and no strikes. Grab some peanuts and some Cracker Jacks and settle in for nine innings of a great movie.

Paperaxle Reviews "Colombiana"

Luc Besson is the one of the greatest action movie writers you've never heard of. Chances are that you've seen at least one of his movies, whether it's from the "Transporter" series, or "The Fifth Element", or the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson. This year's offering from Mr. Besson is "Colombiana", with Zoe Saldana ("Avatar") as his new action hero(ine), and Mr. Besson is starting to show he is becoming a little stale writing the same types of movies over and over.

Zoe plays Cataleya Restrepo, a young girl who lives in Bogota, Columbia, who witnesses her parents murder, and sets out to avenge their deaths. She escapes to the US Embassy in Columbia, who then fly her to Miami for protection, and then escapes Miami to take the first train outta there to Chicago, where she meets her uncle Marco (played by Jordi Molla) who trains her to be an assassin. Fourteen years later, Cataleya has murdered 22 people who were related to her parents' murder, and the death toll isn't over yet.

The movie appears to be pretty formulaic, because it's a simple tale of revenge. There are some good ideas in the movie, like the scenes where she "breaks" into jail to murder one of the people on her hit list, and some good action sequences, but at the end of the day, this is just another "super assassin" who can do anything and never get seriously hurt. Although I did like the movie, I don't know if I can recommend it highly enough to watch in a theater. I've seen bits and pieces of these types of movies before, and the movie doesn't offer enough new stuff to make it worthwhile. And Zoe Saldana doesn't really cut it as an action star.

Best thing I can say... if you like these types of movies, and can't wait for a DVD release, then there are worse options than this. It's only 101 minutes long, and it's rated PG-13, so there is no nudity or real excessive scenes of violence. As such, it rates only a couple of Death Wishes and that's it. Better Luc next time, Mr. Besson.

Couple of buzzworthy items that came across my desk this week...

1. When is the last time you saw a good Nicholas Cage movie where he plays a superhero with his head on fire? Well, here's another one... http://ghostrider2movietrailer.blogspot.com/ You'll believe a superhero can piss fire!

2. Seen the new trailer for "Tower Heist" yet? It's the new movie with Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy... www.towerheist.net/#/home Could be the best Eddie Murphy film since.... since... has Eddie Murphy ever made a good film?

Paperaxle Reviews "Warrior"

I saw this at an "invitational screening" the other day, and was asked to provide a few comments to the advertising agency to describe the movie. I told them "The best mixed martial arts movie ever! With plenty of heart and soul, and characters who remain with you longer than an ugly bruise! Look out Rocky, the Conlon brothers are in town!"

I just wanted to sound like a movie critic. And I gave them something they really wanted to hear. I don't even like these type of UFC movies, even going so far as saying "You can't even spell the word FUCK without using the letters U, F and C!"

This movie doesn't open until September 9th, and I was leery of giving a review of this movie so early, but the advertising agency told me "Please go ahead and write a review! We really want the word to get out for this film!" I mean, I cannot write a review of the movie "Real Steel" this early, although I saw the movie four months ago, because the producers don't want me to give too much away.

So here goes...

Tom Conlon (Tom Hardy) is the youngest son of an alcoholic former boxer, Paddy Conlon (played by Nick Nolte) who after going AWOL in Iraq, returns home to seek training from his father for an ultimate Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) tournament, being held in Atlantic City. It's a five million dollar, winner-take-all event, with participants as far away as Russia competing in this.

Tom's brother Brendan (Joel Edgerton), a former Physics teacher for a Pittsburgh high school and married with two daughters, is facing foreclosure of his house and stands to lose everything. He is suspended from teaching after he is caught fighting in a local tournament to help support his family, and now has no income to pay his bills.

Several years before, Paddy (who at that time was a washed up drunk) broke up his family and left, taking Brendan and leaving Tom with his mother, leaving the entire family estranged from each other. This ultimate MMA tournament will unite what is left of the family (the mother having died previously), although there is no love between either of the brothers towards their father. Paddy wants to reunite his family, but the brothers (except for being Tom's trainer) don't want anything to do with him.

The top 16 MMA fighters are in Atlantic City to compete, and the brothers are among them. With a setup like this, you know that somehow the brothers will be forced to fight each other, on a number of different levels (physically and mentally), and it will happen. Sounds like a rehashed plot of any number of fight movies you've seen, and to a degree it is, but it's whats done with the plot that really makes it outstanding.

I highly recommend this (approximate) 130 minute film, even hoping that Nick Nolte is nominated for an Academy Award. My wife, who owns a martial arts studio, couldn't stop raving about the movie, and was yelling all though the movie "Nice takedown!", so you know that the fighting scenes are authentic. It's easily the best movie either of us has seen this year, and it will be up for Oscar contention come next year.

Giving this one four armbars and a triangle choke. I never expected this movie to be as good as it was. You guys have something to look forward to in this one. Remember me come next March and the Academy Awards.

Paperaxle Reviews "Conan the Barbarian"

There was a series on Sci-Fi not too long ago, called "Stargate: Atlantis", whereby a character named Ronon Dex, who comes from the Pegasus Galaxy, teams up with the Atlantis expedition in season 2 and remains with them for the next four years. The guy who played Ronan had to endure 5 pounds of dreadlocks on his head for 3 years, but the weight of the dreadlocks caused him to have severe headaches, so he shaved them off at the beginning of season 5, but the producers weren't too happy with that, and forced him to wear a heavy wig for the remainder of that season.

Ronan Dex was played by Jason Momoa, and apparently since he could carry the weight of 5-pound dreadlocks for four years, he could carry the weight of starring in a movie like "Conan the Barbarian". Now he is sharing his severe headaches with the rest of us.

Conan is one of those movies that, although it's not really that bad, it's also not that great.

As Morgan Freeman tells us, Conan was born in the midst of battle with a neighboring tribe of warriors (his mother is stabbing and killing the bad guys even as her water breaks!), and after his mother dies giving birth, he is raised by his father (played by Ron Perlman), who is the leader of the Cimmerians. Apparently, seven different tribes of the nation of Hyboria each took a piece of a crown that produces immense power, so that no one tribe can possess the crown. Khaler Zym (played by Stephen Lang) is an evil warlord who overthrows six of the seven tribes to claim pieces of the crown, with the Cimmerians being the only holdout. Zym kills Conan's father and claims the seventh piece, and Conan spends the next few years tracking him down for revenge.

And that's pretty much the whole story. There is something about Zym's daughter (played by Rose McGowan) being a witch, and the necessity of Zym needing the pure blood of one fair maiden (who Conan rescues and is now his love interest). The story does make sense and is fairly easy to follow, but there is no great acting to carry out the plot. Jason Momoa plays Conan as if he is James Bond, and comparisons to Ahnold Schwartzenegger are going to be inevitable.

If you haven't yet gotten enough blood and violence from a "Final Destination" movie, the movie will satisfy, and there are plenty of topless women which also help the story along. The movie is also in 3-D, but it wasn't actually filmed that way (it was converted to 3-D after the movie was filmed).

I'm giving this 112 minute movie a couple of loincloths and a wooden sword. Save your money for the Blockbuster rental.

Paperaxle Reviews: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I admit it. I used to like monkeys when I was a kid. Used to watch "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" on Saturday mornings, used to love "Magilla Gorilla", and used to love the old "Planet of the Apes" movie and television series. I used to even have a blog entitled "Monkey See, Monkey Doo" where I reviewed movies... long before Sledge talked me into doing this for you kids.

Ten years ago, Tim Burton did a remake featuring Marky Mark, and it was so bad, I was tempted to fling my own poo at the screen. Fortunately, it died a quicker death than bacon flavored root beer.

So, yeah, I was kinda dreading the new version of "Planet of the Apes". But I saw it last night at a sneak preview, and I'm not monkeying around... it's the best Ape movie of all time!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a scientist working on a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, which his father Charles (John Lithgow) is suffering from. The laboratory Will works for is at the phase of testing the cure on a chimpanzee, named "Bright Eyes" (coincidentally the name given to the character played by Charleston Heston in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie). Bright Eyes later goes rogue and smashes up a good deal of the laboratory, and is shot and killed to prevent further destruction. It's found out later that Bright Eyes was pregnant, and the serum given her was passed from her genes into her offspring, named "Caesar" (which, if you didn't know, was played by Roddy McDowall the the last two Apes movies of the 1970's).

Because of the destruction of the laboratory by Bright Eyes, the program is to be shut down with all chimpanzees destroyed. Will sneaks Caesar out of the laboratory and into his house, and continues to work on a cure from home. When it's found that Caesar had grown progressively smarter, Will injects his father with the serum, and his father is cured.

But there are side effects to using the serum on humans. The effects are not long lasting, and sooner or later, antibodies in the human body can combat the cure, with fatal results. It can also mutant into a virus that can be passed on to other humans through contact.

Meanwhile, although Caesar is super-intelligent, he still retains his ultra violent nature. When Charles has began to lose his mental faculties, and causes an accident when "borrowing" the neighbor's car, Caesar goes ballistic when the neighbor takes his anger out on Charles. The neighbor is beaten and bitten by Caesar, and the chimpanzee is ultimately taken away by Animal Control and locked up, and lives in a cruel habitat with other simians.

It is here that Caesar plans to use his fellow apes to overthrow his captors, and breaks out of the compound, and releases an airborne strain of the cure to his fellow prisoners, which all become super smart. Caesar and his army begin to use his army of gorillas (guerrillas?) to dominate humanity. At a mid-end-credit scene, it is shown that the deadly anti-Alzheimer's serum will wipe out most of humanity in the coming days.

Lots of good Easter eggs in this movie as well, besides the two examples mentioned earlier. The head of the research facility is named "Jacobs", who was the producer of the first five "Planet of the Apes" movies (Arthur P. Jacobs). The main orangutan (and Caesar's friend) is named Maurice, after Maurice Evans, who played an orangutan in the first of the Apes movies. There is a newscast of the first manned flight to Mars, the Icarus, which was the ship piloted by Charleston Heston in the first movie of the series, setting up a possible sequel. And of course, the immortal line "Get your paws of me, you damn dirty ape!" is also used to great effect in this movie. Great prequel movie to the Apes series!

I'm giving this 105 minute movie a high recommendation, with 4 King Kong Bundys and a banana peel. It's the banana peel that keeps this movie from becoming a classic, but it's close.

Paperaxle Reviews: The Change-Up

I put off watching this movie for over a week. I outgrew movies where the sole purpose of the main character is only to get laid by as many women as he can. But I had people telling me that this movie was a lot better than "Horrible Bosses", and I really liked that movie.

Christ... look at the plot. Dave Lockwood (Jason Bateman) is a successful lawyer, and is married with three children. His best friend Mitch Planko (Ryan Reynolds) is a single, unemployed actor who takes too many drugs and refuses to grow up. Both friends believe the other has the better life and would love to switch lifestyles. One night, after having way too much to drink, both men find themselves walking through a park, with an urgent need to piss and the only available spot is in a wishing fountain.

And by pissing in the wishing fountain and talking about how each other has the better life, they find themselves in each other's bodies, and living each other's lives.

Now that sounds like quality entertainment, right? Isn't this a remake of "Freaky Friday"?

This is a movie where the raunchiness dances around the rim of the toilet seat, looks deep inside, but fortunately can (for the most part) pull back before taking that plunge. It wasn't full blown "Hangover" disgusting, but it comes close. (Jesus... I never thought I'd see a baby's ass puckering up before letting out an explosive shit! And I laughed at that! Out loud! What the hell is wrong with me?) The only thing about the movie which I didn't care for, and which the movie couldn't avoid, is the consequences of best friends changing bodies and the complications of Mitch sleeping with his best friend's wife, while Dave is nearly getting laid by nearly every girl he meets. (And nearly every female in this movie has a nude scene!)

If "Horrible Bosses" is the funniest movie I've seen this year, then "The Change-Up" comes in second, and that's something that's hard for me to admit. Jason Bateman has pulled off something that Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, and Adam Sandler can't do... that is to make two very funny movies in a row. Who woulda thunk it?

This 112 minute movie comes with a high recommendation, and I'm giving it 4 wet t-shirts and a dirty diaper. Just leave your brain in the car before you go in the theater, and you'll have a great time!

Paperaxle Reviews "Cowboys & Aliens"

This is one of those movies that's real pretty, but when you get home and you think about it, you'll realize that you really didn't like it as much as you thought you did.

In 1875, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) is a criminal who wakes up in the middle of nowhere with a strange device attached to his arm, and no memory of who he is. He is taken to Absolution, a town ruled by Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), a cattle rancher with an iron fist. Lonergan has stolen the Colonel's gold, and Dolarhyde wants revenge. But the two find out their troubles don't mean much when aliens decide to attack Absolution. And Jake is the only person who can defeat the aliens, if he only knew how. A mysterious woman, Ella Swenson (Olivia Wilde) who is more than she appears to be, will help Jake stop the aliens, but she first has to overcome a few problems... like raising herself from the dead.

Now, with a synopsis like this, you would probably think that this makes a premise for a fantastic movie, but you would only be half right. All of the pieces are there, but the director (Jon Favreau) cuts a few corners in order to tell his story. There are way too many "Why doesn't he...?" type questions in the movie. Jake has an "armgun" but yet he rarely uses it, instead preferring to run away from the aliens at every opportunity instead of blasting them. Ella's past is explained, and the how and why of how she came to be in Absolution is unsatisfying. Dolarhyde is shown to be a ruthless and evil man, even resorting to killing when necessary, and yet by the end of the movie, we are expected to actually care for him.

But there are some good aspects in the movie as well. The backstory of how Jake came to be in his situation is well told, and despite how easy it would be for the movie to degenerate into silliness, it maintains a serious tone all the way throughout.

Right after I saw this movie last night, I was ready to give this movie one of my highest recommendations, but after mulling it over for a while, the best I can give this 118 minute movie is a couple of Predators and some used bullets.

Paperaxle Reviews "Captain America: The First Avenger"

I'm a week late with this post. Saw this last Wednesday in Las Vegas, but the Rio hotel charges too much for internet service, so you guys just had to wait until I got back.

Remember the end credit scene of "Thor" earlier this year... the scene where Nick Fury explains that he has found a "Cosmic Cube" and they don't know how to harness its power? This movie is basically the setup for that.

It's 1942, and Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), the leader of HYDRA (Hitler's secret science division), displays his newest find, a cube of immense power, stolen from Odin's treasure room. Meanwhile, in New York City, skinny little Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) becomes 4-F for the umpteenth time, and cannot join the military. Soon he catches the eye of Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who with the military's help, has created a "Super Soldier" formula, that can turn ordinary men into nearly invincible fighting machines. Rogers is tested under the command of Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) in order to determine just how good a soldier Rogers will be.

Dr. Erskine had developed the formula in Germany, and had first tested it on Schmidt, but since it had not been perfected yet, the side effects brought out the evil nature of Schmidt, and turned him into a "Red Skull". Erskine then fled to the US, and perfected the formula here.

When Schmidt (or "Red Skull" as he is now known), learned of Erskine's defection, he ordered the doctor to be assassinated. Soon after Rogers is injected with the formula, Erskine is killed, leaving the military with just the one Super Soldier, soon to be known as Captain America.

Cap is then used as military propaganda to raise the morale of the troops, and is a performer in a stage show in Italy, when he learns that his best friend and a number of soldiers are now prisoners behind enemy lines. In secret, Cap successfully leads a rescue mission to save the men, breaking into a top secret HYDRA base and confronting the Red Skull.

Now convinced of his worth to the military, Cap is allowed to continue to destroy HYDRA bases, in order to stop the Red Skull's plans to take over the world via the Cosmic Cube. In a final confrontation with the Red Skull, Cap learns of his plans to destroy the US with the Cube, and must save America while recovering the Cube for the good guys.

If you had to rank this super-hero movie with the others released so far this year, this would rank up there with "X-Men: First Class". I really liked "Thor", but not quite as much as I did this movie. And although the advanced screening I saw did not have the post credit scene, you'll need to stay a bit longer to catch the trailer for "The Avengers" movie due next summer.

I'd give this 124 minute movie my highest recommendation for this all star, all stripe event... a full fledged "A" for effort, just like the one on Cap's headgear. This movie is so patriotic, it makes Jack Bauer look like a Nazi by comparison.

Paperaxle Reviews "Horrible Bosses"

Remember "Bad Teacher" being a bad movie? You would think that a movie with the word "Horrible" in it would be even worse.

Got a surprise for you. "Horrible Bosses" is the movie that "Hangover 2" should have been. In fact, "Horrible Bosses" is one of the funniest movies I've seen, replacing "Paul" as the best comedy I've seen so far this year.

Pity Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis). They have the worst bosses imaginable. Nick, who is aspiring to be the new Vice President of Sales, has Dave (Kevin Spacey) standing in his way. Nick has been working so hard for a promotion, and Dave keeps dangling the carrot in front of him, only at the last minute Dave gives the position to himself.

And how about Dale? He works as a dental assistant, with Julia (Jennifer Aniston) as his boss, always putting the moves on him, even in front of his fiancee. And if he doesn't go along with her wishes, she has pictures of him on her iPad (taken while he was unconscious) in very compromising situations, that will be used to blackmail him.

And finally there's Kurt. An accountant for a large chemical company. He worked for Jack Pellet (Donald Sutherland), until he got a heart attack and died, leaving the company to his son Bobby (Colin Farrell). When Jack was alive, he was promising the company to Kurt, but with Bobby in charge... Bobby is going to make Kurt's life a living hell.

One day, after drinks, they decide to hire a hitman (a very funny sequence involving a "wetwork man"), and when that goes wrong, they settle for a "murder specialist"... one Motherfucker Jones (played by Jamie Foxx). By the way, his name really isn't "Motherfucker"... and if you watched the original "Love Bug" movie, you'll be able to figure it out.

This movie hits one right note after another. There were any number of times when the jokes could have gone stale, but the movie constantly redeems itself and turns out to be a great comedy. Very nice ending, not rushed or written according to formula. It's such a great movie that a sequel will only cheapen it. And Jeezus... you've never seen Jennifer Aniston like this!

Featuring cameos by Ron White, Bob Newhart, and Barry Livingston (Ernie in "My Three Sons") playing "Professor Xavier", I cant help but give this 98 minute movie four pink slips and the keys to the executive washroom. You'll thank me for recommending this one.

Paperaxle Reviews "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

I'm taking a survey here... just how many people in America are getting tired of Shia LaBeouf? (Translated from the French, the name literally means "Shit after the Fart".) The guy has ruined more movie franchises than Eddie Murphy (by his own admission, Shia has made moviegoers run from "Raiders", took the wrong turn to "Wall Street" and threw a pitchfork into "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"), and has all the acting ability of a deaf man faking an orgasm.

If it wasn't for Transformers, Shia LeBeouf wouldn't even have a career, and since this is apparently the last movie in the trilogy, what's the chance we'll be seeing him again (in a good movie) in the near future?

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is 155 minutes of a plot that goes nowhere, with actors who don't do anything (some of them, like John Malkovich, are totally wasted!), and a very long robot fight.

The movie begins in the early 1960's. A space craft slams into the moon, where it is picked up by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the moon, as a cover to investigate the crash landing, which takes up most of the decade. Unfortunately, this is the point at which the movie stops becoming interesting, even with a cameo by Buzz Aldrin.

Then there's something about Optimus Prime finding evidence of the crash landing on the moon in the present day, and sets off to explore the crash site. He finds Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), and brings him to Earth. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (the aforementioned LeBeouf) can't find a job, despite saving the world from the Decepticons, not once but twice. Sam finally finds a job with Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich) in a wasted role that adds nothing to the movie. However, one of Sam's coworkers, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, he of the "Hangover" series), who provides information to Sam about a new invasion by the Decepticons, before he is killed.

Then there is stuff about the FBI getting involved, and of course that means the return of Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), along with Sam's parents from the previous movies, throwing in everything except Megan Fox, who decided not to participate in this one. Sam has an new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who doesn't do any better or worse in the role that Fox did.

I kept thinking that robots in this movie had died in previous movies, and I can't keep all the names straight. I don't know who was who, what side they fight for, and the last hour is one big robot fight. I don't like all of the cliched characterization in this movie, and except for the special effects, there's nothing much to recommend this at all. Haven't I seen this movie before?

Giving this one two TinkerToys and a bolt cutter. This movie is like eating rainbow sherbet... a little bit is all right, but to keep eating it over and over and over is too much.

Hammer Reviers "Larry Crowne"

So yesterday it was 200 degrees outside and Cherry and I decided to use someone else's air conditioning so we decided to go check out the new Tom Hanks movie - Larry Crowne. We have seen a whole bunch of blockbuster action and comic book movies this summer, but it is great to see something a little different. Tom Hanks’ Playtone Productions' latest project, Larry Crowne, is written by both Hanks and Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) and directed by Hanks himself. The movie is not meant to be overly too exciting and the good thing is the lack in excitement doesn’t mean lack in entertainment - which is really what we are all looking for in a movie.

Tom Hanks plays the title character, a man who takes pride in his retail job where he is underutilized and underappreciated and is abruptly “let go” after years of service because he does not have a college degree and cannot advance any further into a management position. Last I knew, you can't fire someone because they don't have a college degree, so we will assume they they are just downsizing. Anyway, Larry goes through the motions of trying to find a job yet times are tough and he is unable to find another job. We learn that Crowne spent twenty years in the Navy straight out of high school as a cook and he never attended college. He decides that he wants to change that and enrolls in Community College.

He ends up buying a scooter to save money on gas and on his first day of school, he meets free spirited Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) and the rest of her “scooter gang,” including her boyfriend Dell Gordo (Wilmer Valderrama), who helps Larry adjust to his new life. His first class is Speech 217, taught by weary professor Mrs. Tainot (Julia Roberts), who manages to handle her early mornings and a failing marriage with many-a-blended alcoholic drinks.

Crowne also is enrolled in an economics class taught by a Dr. Matusani (George Takei, who was having a good time in this role), as he deals with his financial crises as the holder of one’s toxic mortgage. He also deals with his cell phone being taken away during the class.

So begins Larry's subtle romance with his cynical, troubled speech professor. The relationship between Hanks' and Roberts' characters is downplayed a bit and focuses more on believable, genuine affection towards each other.

The supporting characters in this movie play their parts strongly, never overshadowing the stars, but instead complementing them and creating a well-orchestrated cast: Cedric the Entertainer plays Larry’s quirky neighbor, Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is Mr. Tainot, the writer turned internet blogger/porn-lover husband, Rami Malek (The Pacific), Grace Gummer(Meryl Streep's daughter), and Rita Wilson (Hank's wife) all add to the charm of the movie.

Larry Crowne is Hank's second feature film as a director - 15 years after That Thing You Do. He does a pretty solid job of this one. If you are looking for a break from superheroes, bad teachers, hangovers, or robots, go see something a little light hearted. I give this one a B.

Paperaxle Reviews "Bad Teacher"

Have you ever seen a movie where nothing happens during the film, and the characters at the end of the movie act and behave exactly like they did at the beginning? Have you ever seen a movie where there is not a single character to root for, to empathize with, to even have any feelings for?

Have you ever asked yourself... why bother seeing such a movie?

"Bad Movie"... I mean "Bad Teacher" is easily the worst movie I've seen this year. Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) is a schoolteacher working in the Chicago area, who's main goal in life is to find a rich boyfriend so she can buy a bigger pair of tits (I'm not kidding!). Elizabeth drinks way too much, smokes pot, takes drugs, and generally doesn't care about anyone other than herself. She is so poor, she has to find a roommate on CraigsList.

And during the movie, she doesn't do a single thing to redeem herself. She quits being a schoolteacher to marry her rich fiancee, but he dumps her on the last day of the school year, and the following year, Elizabeth is forced to go back to teaching at the same school. She finds that the new substitute teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), is also rich, and she schemes to win him over. The school gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) is putting the moves on Elizabeth, but since he has no money, she cant stand him.

Finding a new pair of tits costs roughly $9,700, she holds a school car wash to siphon money from the event to fund her surgery. When that doesn't prove to be enough, she discovers that if her class scores the highest in the state on the SAT's, she will win a prize of $5,400 to pay for the rest of the surgery. She then manages to steal a copy of the upcoming test, and then really begins to teach her students how to score.

The movie tries to be "Hangover" raunchy in spots, and there is some nudity (unfortunately not from Cameron Diaz) and a lot of swearing, but it's the most unfunniest comedy I've seen... well, since "The Hangover 2". Not a single character in this movie changes for the better. The only saving grace in this movie is that after 92 minutes, it just ends.

Do yourself a favor... if you want to see a movie like this, rent a copy of "Animal House". I'm giving this movie a just one wormy apple with a bite out of it. If there is a G*d in Heaven, He'll make sure this one doesn't last a second week in the theaters...

Paperaxle Reviews "Green Lantern"

As Kermit the Frog might say, "It's not easy being green". From "The Green Hornet" to "The Green Mile" to "Soylent Green", it seems like you put the word "green" into a movie title, you're asking for trouble.

Just ask Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds). the hero of the new movie "Green Lantern". All he wanted to do was to be the world's best test pilot, and he wound up being an intergalactic space cop.

"Green Lantern" is a very ambitious movie, and it's also a movie that tries to do too much in 114 minutes. You see, Hal is selected by the Green Lantern Corps to be the guardian of Space Sector 2814 (which includes the Milky Way galaxy) by a dying Green Lantern, who crash lands on Earth after being defeated by Parallax, whose ambition is the entire domination of the universe. Parallax feeds on fear, and since Hal Jordan is a "man without fear" (kinda like Daredevil), the ring has selected him to be the new guardian.

Parallax uses a scientist, Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) to help achieve his aims, mainly by growing Hammond's head to Elephant Man proportions and giving him the power to a) read minds, and b) to use psionic powers so he can throw things at Green Lantern. The only purpose of Hammond is to bring Parallax to Earth, and once Parallax is here, the character is no longer needed.

The movie reminded me a lot of "X-Men: First Class" in its ambition, but X-Men had three movies (four counting "Wolverine") to tell part of the backstory. "Green Lantern" tries to do everything in one movie. It would have been better to just relay the origin and training of Hal Jordan as a Green Lantern with a minor villain for him to conquer. Instead the movie has two major villains (with the set up of yet another villain), and a "save the universe while keeping his identity a secret" storyline.

The movie does have a few interesting twists. Hal isn't fooling anyone with that mask, because all his friends know who he is. He has trouble figuring out the special oath which goes with charging the ring (the Guardians of the Universe, who created the Green Lantern Corps, and responsible for supplying the lanterns to keep all 3,600 Green Lanterns with the power to supply the rings with power every 24 hours gave Hal a special oath to recite to recharge his ring)... even going as far as uttering "By the power of Grayskull!" to get the ring charged.

Blake Lively, as Carol Ferris (who runs Ferris Aircraft where Hal works as a test pilot) does not do a great job in the role. When she gets angry, you can't feel it, she's just not tough enough for the role. On the other hand, Mark Strong as Sinestro, another Green Lantern who leads the fight against Parallax with the other members of the Corps, and is also responsible for training Hal to be a Green Lantern, does a great job in the role.

I don't understand the origin of Parallax, which took all of 30 seconds to explain, nor do I understand Sinestro's need to build a yellow power ring to fight Parallax. As I understand it (reading the comic books for over 40 years), green is the color of willpower, while yellow is the color of fear. Green power rings cannot fight yellow, because of a necessary impurity in the ring. If yellow is to represent fear, building a yellow ring to fight Parallax can't work, but it doesn't matter, since the yellow ring is never used against Parallax. In a mid-end credit scene, Sinestro tries on the yellow ring, changing him to an evil super villain, with the resolution of that storyline to be in the sequel.

I wanted to like this, I did like most of it, but it's just too much. I would recommend this, and if you see it, give me the answers to the questions I'm looking for. So far, the movie is getting blasted with terrible reviews, which I don't understand. It's better than that.

Giving this one three mood rings and one bathtub ring. As the movie says "The bigger you are, the faster you'll burn", this one is a big, ambitious movie. It's gonna burn after a week, and I hope I'm wrong...

Sledge Reviews "Midnight in Paris” Starring Owen Wilson

My wife and I were running out of movies to go see this past weekend when this one caught our eye (mainly, the cast and crew did.) So we gassed up the truck, drove the four miles north, and took a chance on a film we'd heard nothing about . . . Not a single trailer, commercial, or mention from friends.

Now I know why.

There's not much of a plot and very little happens. But somehow, it did marginally entertain both of us. Though I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the glimpse of a real plot?

Midnight in Paris is one of those movie scripts that make you wonder why the writer and director ((Woody Allen) didn't take the movie to the next level. It was a damn cool idea and could have been outstanding, but he left us feeling short-changed.

At barely over 100 minutes long, one would expect a simple story, but that wasn't the problem. Allen missed chance after chance to pop the cork and let the genie out of the bottle. The plot was a mix of the wonderful 1980’s flick Somewhere in Time and the first installment of Back to the Future. What Allen tried to do was compelling, but he wrapped the film’s central theme with three current-day, paper-thin characters written by a first year college student (I can’t believe Woody Allen was really involved in this half-effort.)

Rachel McAdams as Inez was hateful, disinterested, boring, and a waste of her fine acting talents. She did look good as a blonde, but that was not enough. I wanted to beat her with a cast iron frying pan so she would leave the screen. Her character, as well as her parents, was forgettable and a major distraction to the plot. There was no point to any of them. They didn’t add anything to the story and could have been dropped from the script all together.

On the flip side, Kathy Bates as Gertrude Stein and Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway were outstanding and great fun. Especially Stoll, who brought Hemingway’s eccentricities to full intensity. Owen Wilson was charming, though a little too much of a hopefless romantic for my tastes.

Unfortunately, I am not much of a history buff when it comes to anything that happened before I was born, let alone Paris of the 1920’s, so I couldn’t appreciate Allen’s effort to introduce us to many of France’s most notable artists. Allen must have assumed the audience would be stuffed with wide-eyed historians, who would catch all the (often subtle) references to supposedly famous writers and artists.

I did learn one thing historically . . . back in the 20's, apparently French artisits spent all of their free time getting loaded at the local tavern. Maybe I would have fit into their world after all?

Then there was the ending: abrupt. Almost like Allen was tired of the making the movie and called it a day.

The million dollar question: Would I recommend this movie? The answer is maybe. Go see this flick if you are a history major who likes time-travel plots mixed in with a potentially wonderful love story that never goes anywhere. Otherwise, wait for it on cable, like I wish I had.

Paperaxle Reviews "Super 8"

Always wanted to know what the J.J. stood for in the name "J.J. Abrams". After seeing this movie, I think it stands for "Just Junk".

The title "Super 8" doesn't refer to the size of Anthony Weiner's dick (although he wants his Twitter followers to think so), nor does it refer to yet another superhero movie on the heels of "X-Men: First Class" (which, by the way, I want to give a big "thank you" to Hammer for reviewing this. I got caught up in a bunch of work, and you children had to take second place). Rather, "Super 8" refers to the type of film used by a group of teenagers used to make a home movie. Most hand held cameras used this type of film in the late 1970's, which is when the film takes place.

In 1979, in the town of Lillian, Ohio, a group of teenagers are filming a home movie about zombies late at night. The scene is a train station just outside of town, and they are in the midst of filming when a train goes by, and some unknown force causes the train to derail, scattering hundreds of boxcars all over the countryside, and bringing in the military to clean up the mess and keep the situation quiet.

And, I'm sorry, but the train crash is the best thing in this movie.

The police are baffled when dogs start disappearing all over the city. The police chief winds up missing as well, as well as other select citizens of Lillian. There is a creature hiding in town, holed up in the cemetery, who only comes out at night. The military won't admit it, and stages a wildfire on the outside of town to evacuate the city so they can capture the monster.

Although the movie looks great, and has some great special effects, with superb acting by the main characters, it ultimately gives you a feeling of "is that all there is"? The ending of the movie is unsatisfying, and overall leaves you with too many unanswered questions. This is a movie about life in a small town, which just happens to have the military pursuing an escaped alien from outer space? And the alien is.... Spider-Man? (Or should that be "Man-Spider"?) Didn't buy it.

What I did buy was the feeling of the 1979 setting of the movie. Lots of ELO music, the clothing, the atmosphere. It was like watching a remake of ET, and I mean that in a good way.

I'd give this 112 minute movie just two Predators and an ALF. For such a "Super" movie, they could have come up with something better than a "Mediocre" plot.

Next week, I'm in Denver, Colorado. Already have tickets for an advance VIP screening of Green Lantern on Wednesday. Check back with me then...

Cherry's Book Review: Water for Elephants

Book Review: “Water for Elephants” by Sara Gruen

Whether you’ve heard of the book or not, you’ve probably heard about the movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson (the Twilight guy). I haven’t seen the movie (and probably won’t) but you should read the book. Here’s why…

Told by Jacob Jankowski, the reader gets to experience one crazy summer of what life was like for a member of the circus during the Great Depression. Jacob is an old man reflecting on how he traded the Ivy League life for that of a traveling circus man. Along the way, Jacob meets very memorable characters and witnesses some horrifying events.

Jacob is a 90+ year old man who spends his very lonely days in a nursing home. His life is predictable, stale, and dissatisfying. Jacob gets through his monotonous days by remembering “the good ole days” of his youth, specifically the summer he worked for the obnoxiously-named Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth. During his adventures, Jacob meets Camel (a circus worker/drunk), Walter (aka Kinko the clown), Uncle Al (circus owner/Ringling Bros. wannabe), Marlena (enchanting performer), Rosie (headlining elephant), and August (a real schmuck).

As the summer progresses and the circus nears bankruptcy, Jacob falls in love with Marlena, August becomes abusive to Marlena, Jacob, and Rosie, Uncle Al’s list of enemies grows exponentially, and someone ends up as dead as a doornail. Crimes are committed, friendships develop, and some very angry circus workers get their revenge.

Don’t see the movie…or at least don’t see it before reading the book. “Water for Elephants” is exciting, thrilling, and a must-read this summer. Visit your local bookstore and pick it up. You won’t regret it.

Happy readings ~ Cherry