Paperaxle Reviews "Colombiana"

Luc Besson is the one of the greatest action movie writers you've never heard of. Chances are that you've seen at least one of his movies, whether it's from the "Transporter" series, or "The Fifth Element", or the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson. This year's offering from Mr. Besson is "Colombiana", with Zoe Saldana ("Avatar") as his new action hero(ine), and Mr. Besson is starting to show he is becoming a little stale writing the same types of movies over and over.

Zoe plays Cataleya Restrepo, a young girl who lives in Bogota, Columbia, who witnesses her parents murder, and sets out to avenge their deaths. She escapes to the US Embassy in Columbia, who then fly her to Miami for protection, and then escapes Miami to take the first train outta there to Chicago, where she meets her uncle Marco (played by Jordi Molla) who trains her to be an assassin. Fourteen years later, Cataleya has murdered 22 people who were related to her parents' murder, and the death toll isn't over yet.

The movie appears to be pretty formulaic, because it's a simple tale of revenge. There are some good ideas in the movie, like the scenes where she "breaks" into jail to murder one of the people on her hit list, and some good action sequences, but at the end of the day, this is just another "super assassin" who can do anything and never get seriously hurt. Although I did like the movie, I don't know if I can recommend it highly enough to watch in a theater. I've seen bits and pieces of these types of movies before, and the movie doesn't offer enough new stuff to make it worthwhile. And Zoe Saldana doesn't really cut it as an action star.

Best thing I can say... if you like these types of movies, and can't wait for a DVD release, then there are worse options than this. It's only 101 minutes long, and it's rated PG-13, so there is no nudity or real excessive scenes of violence. As such, it rates only a couple of Death Wishes and that's it. Better Luc next time, Mr. Besson.

Couple of buzzworthy items that came across my desk this week...

1. When is the last time you saw a good Nicholas Cage movie where he plays a superhero with his head on fire? Well, here's another one... http://ghostrider2movietrailer.blogspot.com/ You'll believe a superhero can piss fire!

2. Seen the new trailer for "Tower Heist" yet? It's the new movie with Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy... www.towerheist.net/#/home Could be the best Eddie Murphy film since.... since... has Eddie Murphy ever made a good film?

Paperaxle Reviews "Warrior"

I saw this at an "invitational screening" the other day, and was asked to provide a few comments to the advertising agency to describe the movie. I told them "The best mixed martial arts movie ever! With plenty of heart and soul, and characters who remain with you longer than an ugly bruise! Look out Rocky, the Conlon brothers are in town!"

I just wanted to sound like a movie critic. And I gave them something they really wanted to hear. I don't even like these type of UFC movies, even going so far as saying "You can't even spell the word FUCK without using the letters U, F and C!"

This movie doesn't open until September 9th, and I was leery of giving a review of this movie so early, but the advertising agency told me "Please go ahead and write a review! We really want the word to get out for this film!" I mean, I cannot write a review of the movie "Real Steel" this early, although I saw the movie four months ago, because the producers don't want me to give too much away.

So here goes...

Tom Conlon (Tom Hardy) is the youngest son of an alcoholic former boxer, Paddy Conlon (played by Nick Nolte) who after going AWOL in Iraq, returns home to seek training from his father for an ultimate Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) tournament, being held in Atlantic City. It's a five million dollar, winner-take-all event, with participants as far away as Russia competing in this.

Tom's brother Brendan (Joel Edgerton), a former Physics teacher for a Pittsburgh high school and married with two daughters, is facing foreclosure of his house and stands to lose everything. He is suspended from teaching after he is caught fighting in a local tournament to help support his family, and now has no income to pay his bills.

Several years before, Paddy (who at that time was a washed up drunk) broke up his family and left, taking Brendan and leaving Tom with his mother, leaving the entire family estranged from each other. This ultimate MMA tournament will unite what is left of the family (the mother having died previously), although there is no love between either of the brothers towards their father. Paddy wants to reunite his family, but the brothers (except for being Tom's trainer) don't want anything to do with him.

The top 16 MMA fighters are in Atlantic City to compete, and the brothers are among them. With a setup like this, you know that somehow the brothers will be forced to fight each other, on a number of different levels (physically and mentally), and it will happen. Sounds like a rehashed plot of any number of fight movies you've seen, and to a degree it is, but it's whats done with the plot that really makes it outstanding.

I highly recommend this (approximate) 130 minute film, even hoping that Nick Nolte is nominated for an Academy Award. My wife, who owns a martial arts studio, couldn't stop raving about the movie, and was yelling all though the movie "Nice takedown!", so you know that the fighting scenes are authentic. It's easily the best movie either of us has seen this year, and it will be up for Oscar contention come next year.

Giving this one four armbars and a triangle choke. I never expected this movie to be as good as it was. You guys have something to look forward to in this one. Remember me come next March and the Academy Awards.

Paperaxle Reviews "Conan the Barbarian"

There was a series on Sci-Fi not too long ago, called "Stargate: Atlantis", whereby a character named Ronon Dex, who comes from the Pegasus Galaxy, teams up with the Atlantis expedition in season 2 and remains with them for the next four years. The guy who played Ronan had to endure 5 pounds of dreadlocks on his head for 3 years, but the weight of the dreadlocks caused him to have severe headaches, so he shaved them off at the beginning of season 5, but the producers weren't too happy with that, and forced him to wear a heavy wig for the remainder of that season.

Ronan Dex was played by Jason Momoa, and apparently since he could carry the weight of 5-pound dreadlocks for four years, he could carry the weight of starring in a movie like "Conan the Barbarian". Now he is sharing his severe headaches with the rest of us.

Conan is one of those movies that, although it's not really that bad, it's also not that great.

As Morgan Freeman tells us, Conan was born in the midst of battle with a neighboring tribe of warriors (his mother is stabbing and killing the bad guys even as her water breaks!), and after his mother dies giving birth, he is raised by his father (played by Ron Perlman), who is the leader of the Cimmerians. Apparently, seven different tribes of the nation of Hyboria each took a piece of a crown that produces immense power, so that no one tribe can possess the crown. Khaler Zym (played by Stephen Lang) is an evil warlord who overthrows six of the seven tribes to claim pieces of the crown, with the Cimmerians being the only holdout. Zym kills Conan's father and claims the seventh piece, and Conan spends the next few years tracking him down for revenge.

And that's pretty much the whole story. There is something about Zym's daughter (played by Rose McGowan) being a witch, and the necessity of Zym needing the pure blood of one fair maiden (who Conan rescues and is now his love interest). The story does make sense and is fairly easy to follow, but there is no great acting to carry out the plot. Jason Momoa plays Conan as if he is James Bond, and comparisons to Ahnold Schwartzenegger are going to be inevitable.

If you haven't yet gotten enough blood and violence from a "Final Destination" movie, the movie will satisfy, and there are plenty of topless women which also help the story along. The movie is also in 3-D, but it wasn't actually filmed that way (it was converted to 3-D after the movie was filmed).

I'm giving this 112 minute movie a couple of loincloths and a wooden sword. Save your money for the Blockbuster rental.

Paperaxle Reviews: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I admit it. I used to like monkeys when I was a kid. Used to watch "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" on Saturday mornings, used to love "Magilla Gorilla", and used to love the old "Planet of the Apes" movie and television series. I used to even have a blog entitled "Monkey See, Monkey Doo" where I reviewed movies... long before Sledge talked me into doing this for you kids.

Ten years ago, Tim Burton did a remake featuring Marky Mark, and it was so bad, I was tempted to fling my own poo at the screen. Fortunately, it died a quicker death than bacon flavored root beer.

So, yeah, I was kinda dreading the new version of "Planet of the Apes". But I saw it last night at a sneak preview, and I'm not monkeying around... it's the best Ape movie of all time!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a scientist working on a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, which his father Charles (John Lithgow) is suffering from. The laboratory Will works for is at the phase of testing the cure on a chimpanzee, named "Bright Eyes" (coincidentally the name given to the character played by Charleston Heston in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie). Bright Eyes later goes rogue and smashes up a good deal of the laboratory, and is shot and killed to prevent further destruction. It's found out later that Bright Eyes was pregnant, and the serum given her was passed from her genes into her offspring, named "Caesar" (which, if you didn't know, was played by Roddy McDowall the the last two Apes movies of the 1970's).

Because of the destruction of the laboratory by Bright Eyes, the program is to be shut down with all chimpanzees destroyed. Will sneaks Caesar out of the laboratory and into his house, and continues to work on a cure from home. When it's found that Caesar had grown progressively smarter, Will injects his father with the serum, and his father is cured.

But there are side effects to using the serum on humans. The effects are not long lasting, and sooner or later, antibodies in the human body can combat the cure, with fatal results. It can also mutant into a virus that can be passed on to other humans through contact.

Meanwhile, although Caesar is super-intelligent, he still retains his ultra violent nature. When Charles has began to lose his mental faculties, and causes an accident when "borrowing" the neighbor's car, Caesar goes ballistic when the neighbor takes his anger out on Charles. The neighbor is beaten and bitten by Caesar, and the chimpanzee is ultimately taken away by Animal Control and locked up, and lives in a cruel habitat with other simians.

It is here that Caesar plans to use his fellow apes to overthrow his captors, and breaks out of the compound, and releases an airborne strain of the cure to his fellow prisoners, which all become super smart. Caesar and his army begin to use his army of gorillas (guerrillas?) to dominate humanity. At a mid-end-credit scene, it is shown that the deadly anti-Alzheimer's serum will wipe out most of humanity in the coming days.

Lots of good Easter eggs in this movie as well, besides the two examples mentioned earlier. The head of the research facility is named "Jacobs", who was the producer of the first five "Planet of the Apes" movies (Arthur P. Jacobs). The main orangutan (and Caesar's friend) is named Maurice, after Maurice Evans, who played an orangutan in the first of the Apes movies. There is a newscast of the first manned flight to Mars, the Icarus, which was the ship piloted by Charleston Heston in the first movie of the series, setting up a possible sequel. And of course, the immortal line "Get your paws of me, you damn dirty ape!" is also used to great effect in this movie. Great prequel movie to the Apes series!

I'm giving this 105 minute movie a high recommendation, with 4 King Kong Bundys and a banana peel. It's the banana peel that keeps this movie from becoming a classic, but it's close.

Paperaxle Reviews: The Change-Up

I put off watching this movie for over a week. I outgrew movies where the sole purpose of the main character is only to get laid by as many women as he can. But I had people telling me that this movie was a lot better than "Horrible Bosses", and I really liked that movie.

Christ... look at the plot. Dave Lockwood (Jason Bateman) is a successful lawyer, and is married with three children. His best friend Mitch Planko (Ryan Reynolds) is a single, unemployed actor who takes too many drugs and refuses to grow up. Both friends believe the other has the better life and would love to switch lifestyles. One night, after having way too much to drink, both men find themselves walking through a park, with an urgent need to piss and the only available spot is in a wishing fountain.

And by pissing in the wishing fountain and talking about how each other has the better life, they find themselves in each other's bodies, and living each other's lives.

Now that sounds like quality entertainment, right? Isn't this a remake of "Freaky Friday"?

This is a movie where the raunchiness dances around the rim of the toilet seat, looks deep inside, but fortunately can (for the most part) pull back before taking that plunge. It wasn't full blown "Hangover" disgusting, but it comes close. (Jesus... I never thought I'd see a baby's ass puckering up before letting out an explosive shit! And I laughed at that! Out loud! What the hell is wrong with me?) The only thing about the movie which I didn't care for, and which the movie couldn't avoid, is the consequences of best friends changing bodies and the complications of Mitch sleeping with his best friend's wife, while Dave is nearly getting laid by nearly every girl he meets. (And nearly every female in this movie has a nude scene!)

If "Horrible Bosses" is the funniest movie I've seen this year, then "The Change-Up" comes in second, and that's something that's hard for me to admit. Jason Bateman has pulled off something that Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, and Adam Sandler can't do... that is to make two very funny movies in a row. Who woulda thunk it?

This 112 minute movie comes with a high recommendation, and I'm giving it 4 wet t-shirts and a dirty diaper. Just leave your brain in the car before you go in the theater, and you'll have a great time!