Paperaxle Reviews "Cowboys & Aliens"

This is one of those movies that's real pretty, but when you get home and you think about it, you'll realize that you really didn't like it as much as you thought you did.

In 1875, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) is a criminal who wakes up in the middle of nowhere with a strange device attached to his arm, and no memory of who he is. He is taken to Absolution, a town ruled by Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), a cattle rancher with an iron fist. Lonergan has stolen the Colonel's gold, and Dolarhyde wants revenge. But the two find out their troubles don't mean much when aliens decide to attack Absolution. And Jake is the only person who can defeat the aliens, if he only knew how. A mysterious woman, Ella Swenson (Olivia Wilde) who is more than she appears to be, will help Jake stop the aliens, but she first has to overcome a few problems... like raising herself from the dead.

Now, with a synopsis like this, you would probably think that this makes a premise for a fantastic movie, but you would only be half right. All of the pieces are there, but the director (Jon Favreau) cuts a few corners in order to tell his story. There are way too many "Why doesn't he...?" type questions in the movie. Jake has an "armgun" but yet he rarely uses it, instead preferring to run away from the aliens at every opportunity instead of blasting them. Ella's past is explained, and the how and why of how she came to be in Absolution is unsatisfying. Dolarhyde is shown to be a ruthless and evil man, even resorting to killing when necessary, and yet by the end of the movie, we are expected to actually care for him.

But there are some good aspects in the movie as well. The backstory of how Jake came to be in his situation is well told, and despite how easy it would be for the movie to degenerate into silliness, it maintains a serious tone all the way throughout.

Right after I saw this movie last night, I was ready to give this movie one of my highest recommendations, but after mulling it over for a while, the best I can give this 118 minute movie is a couple of Predators and some used bullets.

Paperaxle Reviews "Captain America: The First Avenger"

I'm a week late with this post. Saw this last Wednesday in Las Vegas, but the Rio hotel charges too much for internet service, so you guys just had to wait until I got back.

Remember the end credit scene of "Thor" earlier this year... the scene where Nick Fury explains that he has found a "Cosmic Cube" and they don't know how to harness its power? This movie is basically the setup for that.

It's 1942, and Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), the leader of HYDRA (Hitler's secret science division), displays his newest find, a cube of immense power, stolen from Odin's treasure room. Meanwhile, in New York City, skinny little Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) becomes 4-F for the umpteenth time, and cannot join the military. Soon he catches the eye of Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who with the military's help, has created a "Super Soldier" formula, that can turn ordinary men into nearly invincible fighting machines. Rogers is tested under the command of Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) in order to determine just how good a soldier Rogers will be.

Dr. Erskine had developed the formula in Germany, and had first tested it on Schmidt, but since it had not been perfected yet, the side effects brought out the evil nature of Schmidt, and turned him into a "Red Skull". Erskine then fled to the US, and perfected the formula here.

When Schmidt (or "Red Skull" as he is now known), learned of Erskine's defection, he ordered the doctor to be assassinated. Soon after Rogers is injected with the formula, Erskine is killed, leaving the military with just the one Super Soldier, soon to be known as Captain America.

Cap is then used as military propaganda to raise the morale of the troops, and is a performer in a stage show in Italy, when he learns that his best friend and a number of soldiers are now prisoners behind enemy lines. In secret, Cap successfully leads a rescue mission to save the men, breaking into a top secret HYDRA base and confronting the Red Skull.

Now convinced of his worth to the military, Cap is allowed to continue to destroy HYDRA bases, in order to stop the Red Skull's plans to take over the world via the Cosmic Cube. In a final confrontation with the Red Skull, Cap learns of his plans to destroy the US with the Cube, and must save America while recovering the Cube for the good guys.

If you had to rank this super-hero movie with the others released so far this year, this would rank up there with "X-Men: First Class". I really liked "Thor", but not quite as much as I did this movie. And although the advanced screening I saw did not have the post credit scene, you'll need to stay a bit longer to catch the trailer for "The Avengers" movie due next summer.

I'd give this 124 minute movie my highest recommendation for this all star, all stripe event... a full fledged "A" for effort, just like the one on Cap's headgear. This movie is so patriotic, it makes Jack Bauer look like a Nazi by comparison.

Paperaxle Reviews "Horrible Bosses"

Remember "Bad Teacher" being a bad movie? You would think that a movie with the word "Horrible" in it would be even worse.

Got a surprise for you. "Horrible Bosses" is the movie that "Hangover 2" should have been. In fact, "Horrible Bosses" is one of the funniest movies I've seen, replacing "Paul" as the best comedy I've seen so far this year.

Pity Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis). They have the worst bosses imaginable. Nick, who is aspiring to be the new Vice President of Sales, has Dave (Kevin Spacey) standing in his way. Nick has been working so hard for a promotion, and Dave keeps dangling the carrot in front of him, only at the last minute Dave gives the position to himself.

And how about Dale? He works as a dental assistant, with Julia (Jennifer Aniston) as his boss, always putting the moves on him, even in front of his fiancee. And if he doesn't go along with her wishes, she has pictures of him on her iPad (taken while he was unconscious) in very compromising situations, that will be used to blackmail him.

And finally there's Kurt. An accountant for a large chemical company. He worked for Jack Pellet (Donald Sutherland), until he got a heart attack and died, leaving the company to his son Bobby (Colin Farrell). When Jack was alive, he was promising the company to Kurt, but with Bobby in charge... Bobby is going to make Kurt's life a living hell.

One day, after drinks, they decide to hire a hitman (a very funny sequence involving a "wetwork man"), and when that goes wrong, they settle for a "murder specialist"... one Motherfucker Jones (played by Jamie Foxx). By the way, his name really isn't "Motherfucker"... and if you watched the original "Love Bug" movie, you'll be able to figure it out.

This movie hits one right note after another. There were any number of times when the jokes could have gone stale, but the movie constantly redeems itself and turns out to be a great comedy. Very nice ending, not rushed or written according to formula. It's such a great movie that a sequel will only cheapen it. And Jeezus... you've never seen Jennifer Aniston like this!

Featuring cameos by Ron White, Bob Newhart, and Barry Livingston (Ernie in "My Three Sons") playing "Professor Xavier", I cant help but give this 98 minute movie four pink slips and the keys to the executive washroom. You'll thank me for recommending this one.

Paperaxle Reviews "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

I'm taking a survey here... just how many people in America are getting tired of Shia LaBeouf? (Translated from the French, the name literally means "Shit after the Fart".) The guy has ruined more movie franchises than Eddie Murphy (by his own admission, Shia has made moviegoers run from "Raiders", took the wrong turn to "Wall Street" and threw a pitchfork into "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"), and has all the acting ability of a deaf man faking an orgasm.

If it wasn't for Transformers, Shia LeBeouf wouldn't even have a career, and since this is apparently the last movie in the trilogy, what's the chance we'll be seeing him again (in a good movie) in the near future?

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is 155 minutes of a plot that goes nowhere, with actors who don't do anything (some of them, like John Malkovich, are totally wasted!), and a very long robot fight.

The movie begins in the early 1960's. A space craft slams into the moon, where it is picked up by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the moon, as a cover to investigate the crash landing, which takes up most of the decade. Unfortunately, this is the point at which the movie stops becoming interesting, even with a cameo by Buzz Aldrin.

Then there's something about Optimus Prime finding evidence of the crash landing on the moon in the present day, and sets off to explore the crash site. He finds Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), and brings him to Earth. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (the aforementioned LeBeouf) can't find a job, despite saving the world from the Decepticons, not once but twice. Sam finally finds a job with Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich) in a wasted role that adds nothing to the movie. However, one of Sam's coworkers, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, he of the "Hangover" series), who provides information to Sam about a new invasion by the Decepticons, before he is killed.

Then there is stuff about the FBI getting involved, and of course that means the return of Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), along with Sam's parents from the previous movies, throwing in everything except Megan Fox, who decided not to participate in this one. Sam has an new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who doesn't do any better or worse in the role that Fox did.

I kept thinking that robots in this movie had died in previous movies, and I can't keep all the names straight. I don't know who was who, what side they fight for, and the last hour is one big robot fight. I don't like all of the cliched characterization in this movie, and except for the special effects, there's nothing much to recommend this at all. Haven't I seen this movie before?

Giving this one two TinkerToys and a bolt cutter. This movie is like eating rainbow sherbet... a little bit is all right, but to keep eating it over and over and over is too much.

Hammer Reviers "Larry Crowne"

So yesterday it was 200 degrees outside and Cherry and I decided to use someone else's air conditioning so we decided to go check out the new Tom Hanks movie - Larry Crowne. We have seen a whole bunch of blockbuster action and comic book movies this summer, but it is great to see something a little different. Tom Hanks’ Playtone Productions' latest project, Larry Crowne, is written by both Hanks and Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) and directed by Hanks himself. The movie is not meant to be overly too exciting and the good thing is the lack in excitement doesn’t mean lack in entertainment - which is really what we are all looking for in a movie.

Tom Hanks plays the title character, a man who takes pride in his retail job where he is underutilized and underappreciated and is abruptly “let go” after years of service because he does not have a college degree and cannot advance any further into a management position. Last I knew, you can't fire someone because they don't have a college degree, so we will assume they they are just downsizing. Anyway, Larry goes through the motions of trying to find a job yet times are tough and he is unable to find another job. We learn that Crowne spent twenty years in the Navy straight out of high school as a cook and he never attended college. He decides that he wants to change that and enrolls in Community College.

He ends up buying a scooter to save money on gas and on his first day of school, he meets free spirited Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) and the rest of her “scooter gang,” including her boyfriend Dell Gordo (Wilmer Valderrama), who helps Larry adjust to his new life. His first class is Speech 217, taught by weary professor Mrs. Tainot (Julia Roberts), who manages to handle her early mornings and a failing marriage with many-a-blended alcoholic drinks.

Crowne also is enrolled in an economics class taught by a Dr. Matusani (George Takei, who was having a good time in this role), as he deals with his financial crises as the holder of one’s toxic mortgage. He also deals with his cell phone being taken away during the class.

So begins Larry's subtle romance with his cynical, troubled speech professor. The relationship between Hanks' and Roberts' characters is downplayed a bit and focuses more on believable, genuine affection towards each other.

The supporting characters in this movie play their parts strongly, never overshadowing the stars, but instead complementing them and creating a well-orchestrated cast: Cedric the Entertainer plays Larry’s quirky neighbor, Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is Mr. Tainot, the writer turned internet blogger/porn-lover husband, Rami Malek (The Pacific), Grace Gummer(Meryl Streep's daughter), and Rita Wilson (Hank's wife) all add to the charm of the movie.

Larry Crowne is Hank's second feature film as a director - 15 years after That Thing You Do. He does a pretty solid job of this one. If you are looking for a break from superheroes, bad teachers, hangovers, or robots, go see something a little light hearted. I give this one a B.

Paperaxle Reviews "Bad Teacher"

Have you ever seen a movie where nothing happens during the film, and the characters at the end of the movie act and behave exactly like they did at the beginning? Have you ever seen a movie where there is not a single character to root for, to empathize with, to even have any feelings for?

Have you ever asked yourself... why bother seeing such a movie?

"Bad Movie"... I mean "Bad Teacher" is easily the worst movie I've seen this year. Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) is a schoolteacher working in the Chicago area, who's main goal in life is to find a rich boyfriend so she can buy a bigger pair of tits (I'm not kidding!). Elizabeth drinks way too much, smokes pot, takes drugs, and generally doesn't care about anyone other than herself. She is so poor, she has to find a roommate on CraigsList.

And during the movie, she doesn't do a single thing to redeem herself. She quits being a schoolteacher to marry her rich fiancee, but he dumps her on the last day of the school year, and the following year, Elizabeth is forced to go back to teaching at the same school. She finds that the new substitute teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), is also rich, and she schemes to win him over. The school gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) is putting the moves on Elizabeth, but since he has no money, she cant stand him.

Finding a new pair of tits costs roughly $9,700, she holds a school car wash to siphon money from the event to fund her surgery. When that doesn't prove to be enough, she discovers that if her class scores the highest in the state on the SAT's, she will win a prize of $5,400 to pay for the rest of the surgery. She then manages to steal a copy of the upcoming test, and then really begins to teach her students how to score.

The movie tries to be "Hangover" raunchy in spots, and there is some nudity (unfortunately not from Cameron Diaz) and a lot of swearing, but it's the most unfunniest comedy I've seen... well, since "The Hangover 2". Not a single character in this movie changes for the better. The only saving grace in this movie is that after 92 minutes, it just ends.

Do yourself a favor... if you want to see a movie like this, rent a copy of "Animal House". I'm giving this movie a just one wormy apple with a bite out of it. If there is a G*d in Heaven, He'll make sure this one doesn't last a second week in the theaters...

Paperaxle Reviews "Green Lantern"

As Kermit the Frog might say, "It's not easy being green". From "The Green Hornet" to "The Green Mile" to "Soylent Green", it seems like you put the word "green" into a movie title, you're asking for trouble.

Just ask Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds). the hero of the new movie "Green Lantern". All he wanted to do was to be the world's best test pilot, and he wound up being an intergalactic space cop.

"Green Lantern" is a very ambitious movie, and it's also a movie that tries to do too much in 114 minutes. You see, Hal is selected by the Green Lantern Corps to be the guardian of Space Sector 2814 (which includes the Milky Way galaxy) by a dying Green Lantern, who crash lands on Earth after being defeated by Parallax, whose ambition is the entire domination of the universe. Parallax feeds on fear, and since Hal Jordan is a "man without fear" (kinda like Daredevil), the ring has selected him to be the new guardian.

Parallax uses a scientist, Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) to help achieve his aims, mainly by growing Hammond's head to Elephant Man proportions and giving him the power to a) read minds, and b) to use psionic powers so he can throw things at Green Lantern. The only purpose of Hammond is to bring Parallax to Earth, and once Parallax is here, the character is no longer needed.

The movie reminded me a lot of "X-Men: First Class" in its ambition, but X-Men had three movies (four counting "Wolverine") to tell part of the backstory. "Green Lantern" tries to do everything in one movie. It would have been better to just relay the origin and training of Hal Jordan as a Green Lantern with a minor villain for him to conquer. Instead the movie has two major villains (with the set up of yet another villain), and a "save the universe while keeping his identity a secret" storyline.

The movie does have a few interesting twists. Hal isn't fooling anyone with that mask, because all his friends know who he is. He has trouble figuring out the special oath which goes with charging the ring (the Guardians of the Universe, who created the Green Lantern Corps, and responsible for supplying the lanterns to keep all 3,600 Green Lanterns with the power to supply the rings with power every 24 hours gave Hal a special oath to recite to recharge his ring)... even going as far as uttering "By the power of Grayskull!" to get the ring charged.

Blake Lively, as Carol Ferris (who runs Ferris Aircraft where Hal works as a test pilot) does not do a great job in the role. When she gets angry, you can't feel it, she's just not tough enough for the role. On the other hand, Mark Strong as Sinestro, another Green Lantern who leads the fight against Parallax with the other members of the Corps, and is also responsible for training Hal to be a Green Lantern, does a great job in the role.

I don't understand the origin of Parallax, which took all of 30 seconds to explain, nor do I understand Sinestro's need to build a yellow power ring to fight Parallax. As I understand it (reading the comic books for over 40 years), green is the color of willpower, while yellow is the color of fear. Green power rings cannot fight yellow, because of a necessary impurity in the ring. If yellow is to represent fear, building a yellow ring to fight Parallax can't work, but it doesn't matter, since the yellow ring is never used against Parallax. In a mid-end credit scene, Sinestro tries on the yellow ring, changing him to an evil super villain, with the resolution of that storyline to be in the sequel.

I wanted to like this, I did like most of it, but it's just too much. I would recommend this, and if you see it, give me the answers to the questions I'm looking for. So far, the movie is getting blasted with terrible reviews, which I don't understand. It's better than that.

Giving this one three mood rings and one bathtub ring. As the movie says "The bigger you are, the faster you'll burn", this one is a big, ambitious movie. It's gonna burn after a week, and I hope I'm wrong...