Paperaxle Reviews "Kung Fu Panda 2"

Today, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Let's suppose you own a business and are looking for a free way to promote what you have. In this case, my wife owns a Karate school, and we have been looking for all kinds of cheap advertising to help promote the business. In January, I got the bright idea to call movie theaters to see if we could do a cross promotion with "Kung Fu Panda 2". AMC Deer Valley 30 for example, has invited us to sponsor a booth in the lobby during Memorial Day weekend to advertise our business, and in return we are advertising "Kung Fu Panda 2" enrollment specials for the school. The promotions director for this movie also gave us a batch of 200 tickets for a special sneak preview of this movie last Saturday. Didn't cost us a thing.

So, it took four months to put these promotions together. Because I know the promoters of some of these movies very well, my wife and I haven't paid for a movie in months, always seeing movies days or weeks before they come out in theaters. Which is a boon for the readers of this website, because you're getting reviews of movies well before they come out, in most cases. (See why you should subscribe?)

Later this week, I'll be reviewing the new Mel Gibson movie "The Beaver", and "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides". (Although, truth to tell, I'm trying to get out of this screening, as I haven't seen one of these movies at all. Next to a teacup ride at Disneyland, pirate movies are my second most hated thing in the world! OK, people clipping their fingernails and bananas are things I hate that are way up on the list... )

Go see this movie. It's pretty good. Better than the first one. I give it one of my highest recommendations... four bamboo stalks and a skadoosh!

Oh, wait... you're reading this column expecting a review?

Jack Black voices Po, a panda who tragically lost his parents as a young cub, and subsequently becomes a kung fu master. He is trained by Master Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) and protects the Valley of Peace along with the Furious Five (a selection of animals including a tiger, a praying mantis, a monkey, a viper and a crane). An albino peacock (voiced by Gary Oldman) threatens to take over all of China and wipe out kung fu forever with a secret weapon, for which Po and the Furious Five have to stop him.

That's the whole plot in a nutshell. Po confronts his past and learns new things about himself, and the movie makes great work out of the 3-D special effects. This movie is in fact, one of the best 3-D movies so far this year. I remember very little about the first movie, but the plot and characterization of this movie even brought a smile to my face, even though Jack Black hasn't made a decent movie since "Tropic Thunder", and even he wasn't very good in that. If you ever want to punish your children for drawing on the kitchen walls with a crayon, you can't punish them any harder than making them sit through "Gulliver's Travels".

The movie runs 100 minutes and is due to be released on May 26th.

Paperaxle Reviews "Priest"

As I was driving to this preview last night, I saw this huge billboard saying something along the lines of "Jesus Christ is coming May 21st... the Bible guarantees it! Will you be ready?" Well, I'm hoping to, having the house painted this weekend...

Priests and vampires have fought for centuries, with the Priests finally winning the war over the vampires, and are now being driven into hiding. The Veteran Priest (played by Paul Bettany) is now living inside the walled city of the Church, where daylight is never seen. One day, the Priest hears that there is reported vampire activity, with Black Hat (leader of the vampires, played by Karl Urban) kidnapping the Priest's daughter. The Priest goes to the Church for help, but the Church refuses to acknowledge that vampires still exist, so the Priest goes into exile to rescue his kidnapped daughter, in defiance of the church.

There really isn't much of a plot. There is nothing original or exciting about the fight scenes, and you know going in, that there will be a sequel. It's barely interesting enough to warrant a view on HBO or a DVD rental. And like Thor, there is absolutely no reason for this to be released in 3-D. If I hadn't seen this for free, I wouldn't have liked this movie at all.

With the world ending after next week after the Second Coming, you can do better than wasting money on this one. I have it on good authority that your soul won't be saved by watching this. At 87 minutes, it's an hour and a half too long.

I'm giving this one half an "Our Father" and a third of a "Hail Mary". You can pray all you want to, but I ain't changing my mind.

Paperaxle Reviews "Thor"

Pretty historic weekend... the Royal Wedding on Friday, I turned 50 on Saturday and Osama bin Laden lost his left eye and his life on Sunday.

But I only celebrated one of these events. On Saturday, I was allowed to see an advanced screening of "Thor". And while it's not as good as "Iron Man", it is better than either the "Hulk" or "Fantastic Four" movies.

It's a complicated plot, but in short, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is a Norse god who lives with his half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), and his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) and mother Frigga (played by Rene Russo... when have we seen her last?). Thor, being the oldest, is about to ascend to the title of King, and Loki is very jealous of this. The ceremony is interrupted by the Frost Giants, who were in a battle with Odin several hundred years before. The Frost Giants have been trying to conquer the Nine Realms (including Earth), however Odin and the Asgardians defeated the Frost Giants and took their source of power (the Casket of Ancient Winters) and now both sides have been living under a truce for nearly a thousand years.

Thor, accompanied by Loki, Sif (a childhood friend) and the Warriors Three, against Odin's order, journey to confront Laufey (king of the Frost Giants) and wind up doing battle, whereupon Odin is forced to intervene to save their lives, and in return Odin strips Thor of his power and exiles him to Earth along with Thor's hammer (Mjolnir) in order to teach Thor humility and respect.

Now the movie really begins. Reading the above, it sounds like a boring movie, and your butt might get "thor", and you'll be in search for an "Asgard", but believe me, all that happened so far takes up about a half hour of screen time.

Landing in New Mexico, Thor is found by the scientist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and he finds out that his hammer has been discovered by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., a top secret military organization seen in the Iron Man movies. (That's the organization led by Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson, so you can see how these movies all tie together.) Thor has to break into the military outpost where they are keeping Mjolnir, and once Thor retrieves the hammer, he finds that he is no longer worthy of wielding it.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki has become King. Odin, overcome with stress, has fallen into the "Odinsleep". This sleep allows Odin to recuperate and recharge his powers, and can last for many years. We find out Loki's true father is Laufey, king of the Frost Giants, and offers Laufey the chance to kill Odin. And to keep Thor out of the way forever, a Destroyer (which is like a giant robot) is dispatched to Earth to kill Thor. Sif and the Warriors Three head to Earth to help Thor tackle this robot, and Thor... dies.

The movie has some humor, very good humor, and even Stan Lee (the creator of Thor) joins in the fun as a truck driver, trying to lift the hammer with chains and a pickup truck. And be sure to stay past the credits for an after scene (the only time Nick Fury makes an appearance) that sets up next year's "Avengers" movie.

Even though the movie is in 3-D, there is really no reason for this. None of the special effects are enhanced in 3-D. I kept thinking that Thor will, at some point, throw the hammer at the screen, but the technology appears to be wasted. Doesn't happen.

In short, I'd give this movie four hammers and a nail. I recommend it, but the movie could have been improved with a better first half. I'll probably see it again before the regular run starts on Friday, May 6th. It's 119 minutes long, and could have 10 to 15 minutes shaved off to make a tighter story.

Hammer's Top 10 Must See Sports Movies

Sports movies are not everyone cup of tea, but being the movie buff that I am, I like them nonetheless. From the Little League team I played on as a kid to the beer-league hockey team I play on today, sports has always been a part of my life. So here we go with my top 10 must see sports movies.

10. Jerry Maguire (1996). This movie stars Tom Cruise as a sports agent named Jerry Maguire who one day has a epiphany and is fired for expressing it to all of his fellow sports agents. His new philosophy leads him to only have 1 client, Arizona Cardinals receiver Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) who is from Arizona, broke Arizona Records, and went to Arizona State. He's a Sun Devil! He is the only client that stays with him. He also has a secretary named Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) who stays with him to help with his business. This movie not only a great sports flick, but a great human element with the relationship of Jerry Maguire and Dorthy Boyd. Cuba Gooding Jr. earned a Academy Award for his portrayal of Rod Tidwell. I think I like this movie the most because the Arizona Cardinals actually make the playoffs at a time when they could barely win 5 games. Believe me people, we have suffered our fair share of poor pro football in Arizona. So all you fans out there whose teams have only one or two losing seasons - SHUTTY!

9. The Natural (1984) - Robert Redford plays Roy Hobbs, a average baseball player with "natural" talent during the early 1920's. He ends up getting shot after having a affair with a woman and she bails out a window to her death. The story skips ahead 16 years, where a 35 year old rookie is called up to a fictional National League team the New York Knights. His natural baseball talent helps the Knights race for the pennant. The movie is not just about baseball. It's about, tragedy, triumph, success in America. This is probably one of the best baseball movies of all time.

8. Rudy (1993) - I know there many of you out there who loathe Notre Dame football (including myself) but I really liked this movie. This movie is based on a true story which I think makes it even better. Sean Astin plays Rudy Reuttiger who has always been told he is too small too play college football, especially for his favorite team - Notre Dame. Rudy was not the best student in high school, but he is determined to enroll at Notre Dame to play football. The movie documents the blood sweat and tears it took for Rudy to realize his dream. The movie is a great showcase of determination and perseverance beyond football and shows that you have to work to get what you want in life.

7. Vision Quest - (1985) - I know what your thinking - where did I get this one from? The film stars Mathew Modine as Louden Swain, a high school wrestler who decides he wants to do something with his life. He decides to drop 2 weight classes to wrestle the best high school wrestler in the state of Washington - 3 time state champion Brian Shute who has never been defeated. The twist is that his father rents out a room to a drifter named Carla (Linda Fiorentino) who Swain falls in love and puts his goal in Jeopardy. I guarantee that you will like this movie - check it out - plus Madonna makes a appearance in her first major motion picture.

6. Field of Dreams (1989) - Another top baseball movie for me adopted from the novel by W.P. Kinsella called Shoeless Joe. I read it - its good - check it out (yes, I do read books too). Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) is a rural Iowa farmer who one day hears a voice that say, "If you build it, he will come". He gets a vision to build a baseball field in his cornfield and does so spontaneously. He builds it right in the middle of his cornfield despite the financial trouble his farm in in. One year passes without incident until one day a ghost appears who turns out to be Shoeless Joe Jackson (Ray Liotta). The Chicago White Sox come to play - and of course there is more to the story.

5. Seabiscuit (2003) This is the only film I like about horse racing - well its actually more that about horse racing. The film is based on the racing career of a horse named Seabiscuit, who was undersized and overlooked Thoroughbred race horse. The story also follows three men, the jockey named Red Pollard (Tobey Macguire), the owner named Charles S. Howard (Jeff Bridges), and the trainer named Tom Smith (Chris Cooper). The horse rises to fame during The Great Depression and becomes a media sensation and Championship race horse. This film is well done and is a great testament to those he lived during those troubled times.

4. Caddyshack (1980) I am a terrible golfer, but enjoy playing the game whenever I can. This is the first comedy to make the list, but is really a great golf picture I enjoy a lot. If Animal House was a sports movie, it would definitely make the list. But Caddyshack will be close enough to that movie. The film is about the caddies and members at the fictional Bushwood Country Club. The movie is packed full of stars such as Chevy Chase, Ted Knight, Bill Murray, and the great Rodney Dangerfield. The movie is basically about how this exclusive club must deal with it's caddies and the upcoming caddy tournament, a brash new member, and a destructive gopher. Check it out - its a classic.

3. Major League (1989) This is my favorite baseball movie of all time. Sorry Bull Durham fans, that movie only had a couple of funny parts and can not stand up to this film. This comedy also has a great cast including Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Corbin Bernsen, Rene Russo, Dennis Haysbert, and the great Bob Uecker. The film is about the fictionalized owner and players of the Cleveland Indians. The owner dies and his ex-showgirl wife inherits the team and intends to move the team to Florida by getting out of a city lease by having low attendance. So she decides to put together the worst team she can to finish in last place. There are great one-liners in this movie and Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle pretty much steals the show.

2. Slap Shot (1977) This movie is about a fictional minor league hockey team named the Charlestown Chiefs in the fictional Federal League. The team is in financial trouble due to the mill closing in town and attendance dwindling. The main character is player coach Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman) who is a con man that manipulates his team to his own advantage. So the team picks up the Hanson Brothers who are all 3 goons on the ice, and are like little kids off the ice. Dunlop plays the 3 brothers in one game and they start creating havoc on the ice. Of course, the fans respond and love it. The team's new style gets them to the championship game versus the Syracuse Bullldogs who have goon players such as Ogie Ogelthorpe and Tim "Dr Hook" McCracken. This movie is beloved by all North American hockey players and fans alike and many have said that this is the best hockey film ever made - well I disagree with that.

1B. Miracle (2004) This is one of the best hockey films ever made and is my number one on my Top 10 must see sports movies. This movie is about the 1980 United States Olympic Hockey Team lead by coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell) who shocked the world by winning the Gold Medal. The movie is mainly around the "Miracle on Ice" when the severe underdog United States team defeated the heavily favored Soviet Union in the medal round. Herb Brooks takes over as the coach of USA Hockey and adopts a new practice style and strategy to defeat the Soviet Union. He chooses his team of 20 that was made up of mostly college hockey players. The team goes through its ups and downs leading up to the Olympic Games. The one thing I love about this movie is they actually got actors who play hockey and can skate. No offense to other sports movies out there, but it definitely adds to the realism to the movie. By the way, the United Stated defeated Finland to win the Gold.

1A. Mystery Alaska - 1999 - This is the other best hockey film ever made. The basic premise of the movie is a fictional town called Mystery has the Saturday hockey game that is the event of the week. The team is made up of several townspeople and the Town Sheriff (Russell Crowe) is the "Captain" and the old veteran who has lost a step or two. A article appears in Sports Illustrated that describes the town and their appreciation of hockey that a former resident Charles Danner (Hank Azaria) sets up a game between this team against the New Your Rangers (barf - at least it was not the Red Wings). Anyone who has played pickup hockey or in a beer league will love this movie. There is a lot of banter between teamates that makes it fun. This movie is a little far fetched, but in the end it is a lot of fun. Definately check it out.

Sledge Reviews: Arthur (2011) Starring Russel Brand

Yes, for those of you wondering, this is a remake of the original 1981 hit movie starring Dudley Moore. Unfortunately, this one falls short - way short - of creating the same charm and wit of the original.

Sure, I admit it, I loved Dudley Moore's version of Arthur and generally find Russell Brand funny, but this was a mild stinker - the kind of stinker that you have to see with a serious buzz on to find funny at any level. Don’t get me wrong, this movie had its moments and I laughed (I think twice,) but that's not enough for me to call this movie a “comedy,” let alone recommend it to anyone (who is sober.)

Brand is normally enjoyable to watch on screen, but his delivery in this flick was uneven, poorly edited, and lacked style which would have made it much more enjoyable. The writers (yes there were 2 stiffs involved and they were both asleep at the wheel) and the director seemed to miss obvious opportunities to make the audience laugh, but instead resorted to gags I have heard or seen a dozen times before. Unfortunately, the best lines were in the trailer so they failed to make an impact during the actual showing.  

Jennifer Garner looked good at times, but her character was like watching Sybil (circa 2011). Her mood swings were wild, but not nearly as bad as her father’s character played by the freeze-dried Nick Notle who wasn’t defrosted all the way from the cryo-freezer before walking onto the set. He was more than stiff and seemed like he wanted to be somewhere else during the few scenes he was in. He was just awful.

Helen Mirren was the only person in this movie who earned their paycheck. She played Hobson with the grace and elegance we’ve come to expect from her, and without her work in this movie, I would have walked out half way through.

Greta Gerwig’s character came across as having to deliver lines once written for Arthur (and cut from the script) and she lacked any depth to stand on her own. She was boring and uninteresting. Maybe the writers forgot to watch the first version of Arthur since they seemed to miss the point of this movie.

As for the ending... I thought for a moment the writers were going to take us down a different path than the original and leave Arthur poor (which I think would have been better), but they didn’t. They let me down and took the easy way out in the final scene. They should have taken the chance to change the ending since the rest of their movie was crap. My popcorn was excellent and there were only two other people in the theatre which helped make the experience a little more tolerable, but...

Skip this one until it’s on DVD. Then light up a doobie, drinks two shots of whiskey while raising a toast to Dudley Moore, and then pop this below average movie into the DVD player and give it a go.

Paperaxle Reviews "Rio"

Well, I really wanted to like this film. I can't really explain why I didn't.

Blu (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg) is the last blue macaw in the world. As a baby, he was smuggled from his home in sunny Rio de Janeiro and left alone in snowy Moose Lake, Minnesota, where he is adopted by a young girl, Linda (Leslie Mann).

Fifteen years later, a biologist from Rio de Janeiro tracks down Blu and asks Linda if he can use Blu to mate with the last female blue macaw in the world, Jewel (Anne Hathaway) to repopulate the species. Linda obliges, tales Blu to Rio to meet Jewel and they are both kidnapped by a cockatoo named Nigel and delivered to some smugglers... is this review sounding just as bad to me as it is to you?

The macaws escape from the smugglers, and spend the rest of the 96 minute movie trying to get Blu back to Linda, but since Blu doesn't know how to fly, it makes things difficult. They meet up with Rafael (played by George Lopez), a toucan who tries to teach Blu how to fly. Because the movie takes place in Rio de Janeiro, of course they're going to have the plot revolve around Carnival. And I can't make this synopsis sound any better no matter how hard I try.

There are some interesting characters that Blu and Jewel meet along the way, including a bulldog named Luiz (played by Tracy Morgan), Pedro the cardinal (Will.i.am) and Nico the canary (Jamie Foxx). So the film isn't a total loss.

I guess my problem is with Jesse Eisenberg's portrayal of Blu. After seeing him in "The Social Network", I have an image of him as a total nerd who can't do comedy (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). Even though he was in "Zombieland", he wasn't a standout to me. Blu comes off as rather stiff and uninteresting, and I would have rather seen someone who can bring more comedy to the character... maybe even Seth Rogen or Zach Galifinakis would have been a better choice.

The movie also seemed full of padding. When you think the movie is nearly over, along comes another twist that adds to the running time. How many times can Blu be kidnapped in an hour and a half? By my count, at least three.

The movie is bright and colorful, and children loved it. Me, I'm just flipping it the bird. Starts Friday, April 15th.

Sledge and Hammer's Review of: Source Code

Source Code starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, and Vera Farmiga. Written by Ben Ripley and directed by Duncan Jones.

Crashed Army helicopter pilot Capt. Colter Stevens finds himself inserted in the source code apparently without his knowledge. He wakes up on the Monday morning train heading for Chicago, where he’s hijacked someone else’s body and mind while sitting across from Christina, played by Michele Monaghan.

Captain Stevens has eight minutes to find the terrorist responsible for planting the bomb that will destroy the train. He fails on the first attempt and returns to his containment pod where he is debriefed until it’s time for his military handlers to send him back in. Stevens soon discovers that each reentry to the past is slightly different leading him to the realization that not everything is set in stone.

Overall, this film makes excellent use of special effects while reliving the same eight minutes multiple times from slightly different perspectives. The multi-layered plot leads the audience down a windy path of discovery as Stevens attempts to complete his mission.  The writing is crisp, with no wasted lines or useless scenes. The director even manages to toss-in a few red herrings to throw would-be sleuths off the scent. Both of us were kept guessing as to the true identify of the bomber - not an easy feat.

Capt. Stevens’ character is well written and Gyllenhaal gives him a welcomed freshness instead of portraying the soldier with the usual stiffness associated with a combat pilot. Unfortunately, Michelle Monaghan’s character was simply fluff and a rudimentary mechanism for Gyllenhaal's character to ask questions and reveal information to the audience. Monaghan seemed one dimensional and not much of an emotional tool as we think she was intended to be. On the other hand, Vera Farmiga’s character as Goodwin was handled well. She was dynamic, emotionally sympathetic to Stevens’ plight, and an important plot-driving force.  

The only complaint we had was the ending.

While it’s right on point and it totally worked, the climax did seem a little rushed and poorly handled leaving us scratching our heads a bit. The writers threw out a few science buzz words along the way hoping it would explain the physics behind the technology, but it made it even more confusing. Maybe this was done on purpose, hoping we would shell out another $10 to see the film again just to understand the science.

Discounting the week technical basis and the rushed ending, this flick is worth seeing and great ride. Well done and recommended for all science fiction fans.