Paperaxle Reviews "Bad Teacher"

Have you ever seen a movie where nothing happens during the film, and the characters at the end of the movie act and behave exactly like they did at the beginning? Have you ever seen a movie where there is not a single character to root for, to empathize with, to even have any feelings for?

Have you ever asked yourself... why bother seeing such a movie?

"Bad Movie"... I mean "Bad Teacher" is easily the worst movie I've seen this year. Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) is a schoolteacher working in the Chicago area, who's main goal in life is to find a rich boyfriend so she can buy a bigger pair of tits (I'm not kidding!). Elizabeth drinks way too much, smokes pot, takes drugs, and generally doesn't care about anyone other than herself. She is so poor, she has to find a roommate on CraigsList.

And during the movie, she doesn't do a single thing to redeem herself. She quits being a schoolteacher to marry her rich fiancee, but he dumps her on the last day of the school year, and the following year, Elizabeth is forced to go back to teaching at the same school. She finds that the new substitute teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), is also rich, and she schemes to win him over. The school gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) is putting the moves on Elizabeth, but since he has no money, she cant stand him.

Finding a new pair of tits costs roughly $9,700, she holds a school car wash to siphon money from the event to fund her surgery. When that doesn't prove to be enough, she discovers that if her class scores the highest in the state on the SAT's, she will win a prize of $5,400 to pay for the rest of the surgery. She then manages to steal a copy of the upcoming test, and then really begins to teach her students how to score.

The movie tries to be "Hangover" raunchy in spots, and there is some nudity (unfortunately not from Cameron Diaz) and a lot of swearing, but it's the most unfunniest comedy I've seen... well, since "The Hangover 2". Not a single character in this movie changes for the better. The only saving grace in this movie is that after 92 minutes, it just ends.

Do yourself a favor... if you want to see a movie like this, rent a copy of "Animal House". I'm giving this movie a just one wormy apple with a bite out of it. If there is a G*d in Heaven, He'll make sure this one doesn't last a second week in the theaters...

Paperaxle Reviews "Green Lantern"

As Kermit the Frog might say, "It's not easy being green". From "The Green Hornet" to "The Green Mile" to "Soylent Green", it seems like you put the word "green" into a movie title, you're asking for trouble.

Just ask Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds). the hero of the new movie "Green Lantern". All he wanted to do was to be the world's best test pilot, and he wound up being an intergalactic space cop.

"Green Lantern" is a very ambitious movie, and it's also a movie that tries to do too much in 114 minutes. You see, Hal is selected by the Green Lantern Corps to be the guardian of Space Sector 2814 (which includes the Milky Way galaxy) by a dying Green Lantern, who crash lands on Earth after being defeated by Parallax, whose ambition is the entire domination of the universe. Parallax feeds on fear, and since Hal Jordan is a "man without fear" (kinda like Daredevil), the ring has selected him to be the new guardian.

Parallax uses a scientist, Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) to help achieve his aims, mainly by growing Hammond's head to Elephant Man proportions and giving him the power to a) read minds, and b) to use psionic powers so he can throw things at Green Lantern. The only purpose of Hammond is to bring Parallax to Earth, and once Parallax is here, the character is no longer needed.

The movie reminded me a lot of "X-Men: First Class" in its ambition, but X-Men had three movies (four counting "Wolverine") to tell part of the backstory. "Green Lantern" tries to do everything in one movie. It would have been better to just relay the origin and training of Hal Jordan as a Green Lantern with a minor villain for him to conquer. Instead the movie has two major villains (with the set up of yet another villain), and a "save the universe while keeping his identity a secret" storyline.

The movie does have a few interesting twists. Hal isn't fooling anyone with that mask, because all his friends know who he is. He has trouble figuring out the special oath which goes with charging the ring (the Guardians of the Universe, who created the Green Lantern Corps, and responsible for supplying the lanterns to keep all 3,600 Green Lanterns with the power to supply the rings with power every 24 hours gave Hal a special oath to recite to recharge his ring)... even going as far as uttering "By the power of Grayskull!" to get the ring charged.

Blake Lively, as Carol Ferris (who runs Ferris Aircraft where Hal works as a test pilot) does not do a great job in the role. When she gets angry, you can't feel it, she's just not tough enough for the role. On the other hand, Mark Strong as Sinestro, another Green Lantern who leads the fight against Parallax with the other members of the Corps, and is also responsible for training Hal to be a Green Lantern, does a great job in the role.

I don't understand the origin of Parallax, which took all of 30 seconds to explain, nor do I understand Sinestro's need to build a yellow power ring to fight Parallax. As I understand it (reading the comic books for over 40 years), green is the color of willpower, while yellow is the color of fear. Green power rings cannot fight yellow, because of a necessary impurity in the ring. If yellow is to represent fear, building a yellow ring to fight Parallax can't work, but it doesn't matter, since the yellow ring is never used against Parallax. In a mid-end credit scene, Sinestro tries on the yellow ring, changing him to an evil super villain, with the resolution of that storyline to be in the sequel.

I wanted to like this, I did like most of it, but it's just too much. I would recommend this, and if you see it, give me the answers to the questions I'm looking for. So far, the movie is getting blasted with terrible reviews, which I don't understand. It's better than that.

Giving this one three mood rings and one bathtub ring. As the movie says "The bigger you are, the faster you'll burn", this one is a big, ambitious movie. It's gonna burn after a week, and I hope I'm wrong...

Sledge Reviews "Midnight in Paris” Starring Owen Wilson

My wife and I were running out of movies to go see this past weekend when this one caught our eye (mainly, the cast and crew did.) So we gassed up the truck, drove the four miles north, and took a chance on a film we'd heard nothing about . . . Not a single trailer, commercial, or mention from friends.

Now I know why.

There's not much of a plot and very little happens. But somehow, it did marginally entertain both of us. Though I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the glimpse of a real plot?

Midnight in Paris is one of those movie scripts that make you wonder why the writer and director ((Woody Allen) didn't take the movie to the next level. It was a damn cool idea and could have been outstanding, but he left us feeling short-changed.

At barely over 100 minutes long, one would expect a simple story, but that wasn't the problem. Allen missed chance after chance to pop the cork and let the genie out of the bottle. The plot was a mix of the wonderful 1980’s flick Somewhere in Time and the first installment of Back to the Future. What Allen tried to do was compelling, but he wrapped the film’s central theme with three current-day, paper-thin characters written by a first year college student (I can’t believe Woody Allen was really involved in this half-effort.)

Rachel McAdams as Inez was hateful, disinterested, boring, and a waste of her fine acting talents. She did look good as a blonde, but that was not enough. I wanted to beat her with a cast iron frying pan so she would leave the screen. Her character, as well as her parents, was forgettable and a major distraction to the plot. There was no point to any of them. They didn’t add anything to the story and could have been dropped from the script all together.

On the flip side, Kathy Bates as Gertrude Stein and Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway were outstanding and great fun. Especially Stoll, who brought Hemingway’s eccentricities to full intensity. Owen Wilson was charming, though a little too much of a hopefless romantic for my tastes.

Unfortunately, I am not much of a history buff when it comes to anything that happened before I was born, let alone Paris of the 1920’s, so I couldn’t appreciate Allen’s effort to introduce us to many of France’s most notable artists. Allen must have assumed the audience would be stuffed with wide-eyed historians, who would catch all the (often subtle) references to supposedly famous writers and artists.

I did learn one thing historically . . . back in the 20's, apparently French artisits spent all of their free time getting loaded at the local tavern. Maybe I would have fit into their world after all?

Then there was the ending: abrupt. Almost like Allen was tired of the making the movie and called it a day.

The million dollar question: Would I recommend this movie? The answer is maybe. Go see this flick if you are a history major who likes time-travel plots mixed in with a potentially wonderful love story that never goes anywhere. Otherwise, wait for it on cable, like I wish I had.

Paperaxle Reviews "Super 8"

Always wanted to know what the J.J. stood for in the name "J.J. Abrams". After seeing this movie, I think it stands for "Just Junk".

The title "Super 8" doesn't refer to the size of Anthony Weiner's dick (although he wants his Twitter followers to think so), nor does it refer to yet another superhero movie on the heels of "X-Men: First Class" (which, by the way, I want to give a big "thank you" to Hammer for reviewing this. I got caught up in a bunch of work, and you children had to take second place). Rather, "Super 8" refers to the type of film used by a group of teenagers used to make a home movie. Most hand held cameras used this type of film in the late 1970's, which is when the film takes place.

In 1979, in the town of Lillian, Ohio, a group of teenagers are filming a home movie about zombies late at night. The scene is a train station just outside of town, and they are in the midst of filming when a train goes by, and some unknown force causes the train to derail, scattering hundreds of boxcars all over the countryside, and bringing in the military to clean up the mess and keep the situation quiet.

And, I'm sorry, but the train crash is the best thing in this movie.

The police are baffled when dogs start disappearing all over the city. The police chief winds up missing as well, as well as other select citizens of Lillian. There is a creature hiding in town, holed up in the cemetery, who only comes out at night. The military won't admit it, and stages a wildfire on the outside of town to evacuate the city so they can capture the monster.

Although the movie looks great, and has some great special effects, with superb acting by the main characters, it ultimately gives you a feeling of "is that all there is"? The ending of the movie is unsatisfying, and overall leaves you with too many unanswered questions. This is a movie about life in a small town, which just happens to have the military pursuing an escaped alien from outer space? And the alien is.... Spider-Man? (Or should that be "Man-Spider"?) Didn't buy it.

What I did buy was the feeling of the 1979 setting of the movie. Lots of ELO music, the clothing, the atmosphere. It was like watching a remake of ET, and I mean that in a good way.

I'd give this 112 minute movie just two Predators and an ALF. For such a "Super" movie, they could have come up with something better than a "Mediocre" plot.

Next week, I'm in Denver, Colorado. Already have tickets for an advance VIP screening of Green Lantern on Wednesday. Check back with me then...

Cherry's Book Review: Water for Elephants

Book Review: “Water for Elephants” by Sara Gruen

Whether you’ve heard of the book or not, you’ve probably heard about the movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson (the Twilight guy). I haven’t seen the movie (and probably won’t) but you should read the book. Here’s why…

Told by Jacob Jankowski, the reader gets to experience one crazy summer of what life was like for a member of the circus during the Great Depression. Jacob is an old man reflecting on how he traded the Ivy League life for that of a traveling circus man. Along the way, Jacob meets very memorable characters and witnesses some horrifying events.

Jacob is a 90+ year old man who spends his very lonely days in a nursing home. His life is predictable, stale, and dissatisfying. Jacob gets through his monotonous days by remembering “the good ole days” of his youth, specifically the summer he worked for the obnoxiously-named Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth. During his adventures, Jacob meets Camel (a circus worker/drunk), Walter (aka Kinko the clown), Uncle Al (circus owner/Ringling Bros. wannabe), Marlena (enchanting performer), Rosie (headlining elephant), and August (a real schmuck).

As the summer progresses and the circus nears bankruptcy, Jacob falls in love with Marlena, August becomes abusive to Marlena, Jacob, and Rosie, Uncle Al’s list of enemies grows exponentially, and someone ends up as dead as a doornail. Crimes are committed, friendships develop, and some very angry circus workers get their revenge.

Don’t see the movie…or at least don’t see it before reading the book. “Water for Elephants” is exciting, thrilling, and a must-read this summer. Visit your local bookstore and pick it up. You won’t regret it.

Happy readings ~ Cherry

Hammer reviews X-Men: First Class

We have seen these types of movies before: Batman Begins, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but this one was different - you will not be disappointed. I liked it a lot. Now, I don't know a lick about the original X-Men comic book series, except for what I learned about the characters from the previous X-Men movies, so perhaps I may be alone.

I'm not going to go into detail about the whole story since the movie was 2 hours and 12 minutes, but I want to point out the outstanding job the writers did with this film. The first scene of this movie is almost identical to the first X-Men film, where Erik Lehnsherr is a young boy at a Nazi concentration camp where we see him bend the gates with his mind as he is separated from his parents. The great thing about this movie is that this film expands on this where the first film did not. We are introduced to Sebastian Shaw, played by none other than Kevin Bacon, who is a Nazi collaborator that experiments on mutants. He is the bad guy in this movie...for a while. We learn what makes Erik the human-hating person that he is as Magneto, while the story unfolds.

This film is a true "origins story" about how Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr meet and why they decide to work together, but then their interests change and they separate to create warring mutant factions (as we've seen in the later films.) The acting and casting were outstanding, as was the superb character introduction and backstory development. As an added bonus, the movie takes place in 1962, so there is plenty of short skirts, cleavage, and a lingerie party that was well...very enjoyable. 

There are a plethora of superhero movies coming out this summer and, after the Thor debacle, this one definitely does not disappoint. If you are a fan of all the X-men movies, this one is definitely worth seeing. I give this one a solid B+.

From Sledge:
Hammer and I saw this movie together and I loved it as well. Might be the best of the series so far. I especially liked the flying, mutant stripper - nice touch. It was obvious that the writers spent a boat-load of time working the backstory for each of the main characters. They explained everything including how X was doomed to spend his life in the wheelchair (much like my Linkage novel's main character Drew), and how Erik ended up with his thought-protecting helmet. Even the origin of the cool X plane was written into a scene. One interesting note... They covered up a deep plot hole I spotted about Raven's age in this flick, which shows the writers put in the time to get it right. Well done. Go see it. Skip Thor. Skip Hangover 2.