Paperaxle Reviews" The Hangover 2"

Man, I'm getting too old for this shit.

This is a movie I don't really want to review. I'll probably be in the minority, but I hated it. I'm getting tired seeing movies of grown men who act like little kids and do stupid things throughout an entire movie. That crap went out with Jerry Lewis and the cast of "Dumb and Dumber". If I was 30 years younger, I might have liked this one a little bit.

Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand. Why? Only because his fiancee's family lives there. And the only three people he invites from America is the rest of the "Wolfpack", including Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Doug (Justin Bartha). Supposed to be a nice quiet time in Thailand, even with the bride's 16 year-old brother tagging along, but of course, things never work out that way.

This movie is one big, nut-filled turd. I've seen it all before in the first movie, and there are very few ideas that were brought to the sequel. It's like "Jackass" with a plot, and not a very good one. The lone standout for me was Bradley Cooper, who had enough sense to rein in his character before it became too unbelievable. Ed Helms, who was the main character in this movie, whines throughout the entire movie about everything, and Zach Galifianakis plays the one-note character he always plays in all of his movies. Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) is also back from the first movie (a little of him goes a long way, and he was in film waaaay too much), and Justin Bartha literally phoned in his role, as he spends the entire time talking on a cell phone with the "Wolfpack".

The entire kitchen sink was thrown into this movie, including the obligatory and for no reason, cameo from Mike Tyson. Of course, we don't find out exactly what happens during the movie, because, like the first movie's end credits, one of the boys had taken pictures all through their adventures the night before, and that's when things begin to make sense. The ending ties up everything with a nice little bow, where all is forgiven by the bride and her family, and is unsatisfying.

Lots of crude humor in this one too, which is ok if you like that sort of stuff. If you like full frontal male nudity with "chicks with dicks", go for it. I was ready to walk out about 45 minutes into this thing, but I couldn't, as both legs were asleep and the rest of me was soon to follow.

Sledge surprised me the other day, by saying how much he hated "Thor", yet loved "Bridesmaids" in an earlier review. (Sledge loved "Bridesmaids"? WTF???) I was going to suggest to him to burn his "Man Card", but after seeing this, I'm ready to throw mine in the fireplace as well.

This movie runs 102 minutes and your time would be better spent doing a crossword puzzle. I can't even begin to think of an appropriate rating I'd give this one, although it would probably involve a monkey and some feces.

FROM SLEDGE: I agree with Paperaxle, this was a cheesy remake of the first. A real stinker. Dull. Uninteresting. Mike Tyson signing on stage was the best they could come up with - that gag says it all. Skip it! See Bridesmaids instead. This one is a waste of money and time.

Sledge Reviews "Bridesmaids” Starring Kristen Wiig

Don't say it. I know what you’re thinking. . . Why did this beer-drinking, ex-hockey player go see a chick flick like this?

I was wondering that myself as I stepped into the theatre just before the trailers were queued up by the projectionist. When I looked up at the crowded stadium seats in my favorite Harkins Theater, I realized I was one of only three men in attendance. Granted, I only bought a ticket to this movie because I had the munchies for some hot popcorn and figured the theatre would be dominated by women, but never expected the turnout to be this extreme. With a ratio of 50 to 1 against, I figured I was going to have trouble staying awake despite the jumbo diet soda I was about to slam down.

Boy, was I wrong.

I loved this movie. Yes, you heard it right, I loved this movie. It was hysterically funny and one of the few movies where my stomach hurt from laughing. Sure, there are a few slow-moving scenes that seemed a little emotionally forced (probably to appease the overabundance of women the script writers knew would be in the audience,) but the jokes were written for men. Sorry ladies, this film and 'The Hangover' are two of the raunchiest comedies to hit the silver screen in a long time. Just my kind of stuff. Hammer, are you listening? All in all, this is a real gem.

Kristen Wiig is a natural comedian with wonderful timing. She plays the role perfectly and, despite the paint-by-numbers plot, the gags were refreshing and funny.  Didn’t get the whole British-speaking Wisconsin cop, but I still liked his character even though he was written a little thin. He served his purpose.

The opening sex scene sets the tone for the entire movie so buckle-up and enjoy. It's not easy to make body-pounding, endless sex funny, but they managed to do so quite well.

My only complaint was that the girls never actually made it to Vegas for the bachelorette party. I know the Sin City road trip thing has been done to death, but it would have made this wonderful movie even funnier.

Discounting my one complaint, I recommend that you go see this flick. I could go on and on about the plot and what happens along the way, but I don’t want to spoil anything for you. Instead, let's just summarize it quickly: A hodgepodge group of thirty-something women get together and plan a wedding while trying to keep their own twisted lives in working order. Along their journey, stuff happens and they deal with it. Nuff said about the plot. It's the characters that make this film work.

However, I should warn of few of the prudes out there... if you’re not fond of adolescent, out-of-bowl-experience humor, then SKIP this movie. For the rest of us who actually have a sense of humor, get your ticket today and stand in line. You’ll enjoy it.



Paperaxle Reviews a Review of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"

This time kids, we're going to do something a little bit different. I'll admit, I didn't see this movie earlier this week, but my wife did. So I had her give me her review, and I'll review that review so I can give you a review of this movie. And quit complaining... as Elwood Blues used to say... "Whaddya want for nothing? A rrrrubbber biscuit?"

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is on a mission to find the lost Fountain of Youth. His previous ship, the Black Pearl, has been destroyed on a previous movie (I don't know which one, I haven't seen the last two installments and didn't like the first one), so he has to find a new ship to launch his journey. Jack's father, Captain Teague (Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones) warns Jack not to make the attempt to find the Fountain.

Jack runs into Angelica (Penelope Cruz), a former girlfriend, who is now a pirate and the daughter of Blackbeard (who had previously destroyed the Black Pearl), and is taken aboard Angelica's ship to find the Fountain.

My wife was telling me all this, and mentioned something about mermaids and voodoo dolls, and I was trying to keep my eyes open, but that's all I can remember. I do know that if you love these movies, this one is the best installment since the first movie, and you'll want to stay for a post-credit scene that sets up the next movie. Pam is giving this 137 minute movie three peg-legs and a parrot.

Sorry guys, I'll try to do better for the six or seven of you that follow this blog. This weekend I have tickets for a movie that I had to sign an agreement not to reveal, which means I can't review it until October or face the wrath of the studio that puts out this movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei5l3r1dV4I

But don't worry, I'll be back next week with reviews of "Hangover 2" and "Attack the Block", and the week after that will be "X-Men: First Class" which I already have my screener passes for.

Paperaxle Reviews "The Beaver"

Mel Gibson once took his fame, bottled it up, shoved it up his ass, and lit the fuse. After the subsequent implosion, he now wants to uncork his butt and continue with his career.

I'd been hearing about this movie for a long time. Originally Steve Carell or Jim Carrey were going to star in this movie, but they soon lost interest, leaving Mel Gibson as the first person since Robert DeNiro (in "Taxi Driver") to be interested in Jodie Foster's "Beaver" (and that's a huge reach for such a dumb joke).

I used to like Mel Gibson, even when he was directing those movies in foreign languages that you needed a Rosetta Stone to translate. Then one day he was stopped for a DUI and was arrested by two officers he referred to as "Sergeant Sugar Tits" and "Captain Christ Killing Jew". Then he drank some more, divorced his wife to live with his longtime girlfriend and had another kid, beat her up and got himself arrested again for domestic violence, and then I, like any good Catholic would, gave up Mel Gibson movies for Lent, and never went back.

Until yesterday.

"The Beaver" is the story of Walter Black (Mel Gibson), the CEO of a large toy company who suffers from severe depression, which is affecting his career and his personal life. The stock in his company is nearly worthless, his wife (played by Jodie Foster, who also directed the film) wants a divorce, his two sons don't want anything to do with him.

Walter is living in a cheap hotel room, and does nothing but sleep and feel sorry for himself. He runs across a hand puppet (the "Beaver") in a dumpster one day and takes it to his hotel room, and, during a bout of attempted suicide, the "Beaver" comes to life. Walter can only relate to others through the "Beaver", which Walter wears constantly throughout most of the rest of the movie, and the "Beaver" begins to help him put his life back together.

Although there are some funny moments during the movie, it deals honestly and intelligently with a very serious subject. I very much enjoyed this movie, and would highly recommend it to any fan (or ex-fan) of Mel Gibson. This is the first time I enjoyed a Mel Gibson movie in several years.

The downside of this movie is that it will not get a wide release. It was released on May 6th, to limited showings, and is, by all accounts, a box office "flop", with the worst showing of a Mel Gibson or a Jodie Foster movie ever. This movie was due to be in wide release on May 20th, but the plans for that have been scrapped.

Keep this one in mind when it makes its DVD release in a few weeks. It's well worth an hour and a half of your time.

Paperaxle Reviews "Kung Fu Panda 2"

Today, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Let's suppose you own a business and are looking for a free way to promote what you have. In this case, my wife owns a Karate school, and we have been looking for all kinds of cheap advertising to help promote the business. In January, I got the bright idea to call movie theaters to see if we could do a cross promotion with "Kung Fu Panda 2". AMC Deer Valley 30 for example, has invited us to sponsor a booth in the lobby during Memorial Day weekend to advertise our business, and in return we are advertising "Kung Fu Panda 2" enrollment specials for the school. The promotions director for this movie also gave us a batch of 200 tickets for a special sneak preview of this movie last Saturday. Didn't cost us a thing.

So, it took four months to put these promotions together. Because I know the promoters of some of these movies very well, my wife and I haven't paid for a movie in months, always seeing movies days or weeks before they come out in theaters. Which is a boon for the readers of this website, because you're getting reviews of movies well before they come out, in most cases. (See why you should subscribe?)

Later this week, I'll be reviewing the new Mel Gibson movie "The Beaver", and "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides". (Although, truth to tell, I'm trying to get out of this screening, as I haven't seen one of these movies at all. Next to a teacup ride at Disneyland, pirate movies are my second most hated thing in the world! OK, people clipping their fingernails and bananas are things I hate that are way up on the list... )

Go see this movie. It's pretty good. Better than the first one. I give it one of my highest recommendations... four bamboo stalks and a skadoosh!

Oh, wait... you're reading this column expecting a review?

Jack Black voices Po, a panda who tragically lost his parents as a young cub, and subsequently becomes a kung fu master. He is trained by Master Shifu (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) and protects the Valley of Peace along with the Furious Five (a selection of animals including a tiger, a praying mantis, a monkey, a viper and a crane). An albino peacock (voiced by Gary Oldman) threatens to take over all of China and wipe out kung fu forever with a secret weapon, for which Po and the Furious Five have to stop him.

That's the whole plot in a nutshell. Po confronts his past and learns new things about himself, and the movie makes great work out of the 3-D special effects. This movie is in fact, one of the best 3-D movies so far this year. I remember very little about the first movie, but the plot and characterization of this movie even brought a smile to my face, even though Jack Black hasn't made a decent movie since "Tropic Thunder", and even he wasn't very good in that. If you ever want to punish your children for drawing on the kitchen walls with a crayon, you can't punish them any harder than making them sit through "Gulliver's Travels".

The movie runs 100 minutes and is due to be released on May 26th.

Paperaxle Reviews "Priest"

As I was driving to this preview last night, I saw this huge billboard saying something along the lines of "Jesus Christ is coming May 21st... the Bible guarantees it! Will you be ready?" Well, I'm hoping to, having the house painted this weekend...

Priests and vampires have fought for centuries, with the Priests finally winning the war over the vampires, and are now being driven into hiding. The Veteran Priest (played by Paul Bettany) is now living inside the walled city of the Church, where daylight is never seen. One day, the Priest hears that there is reported vampire activity, with Black Hat (leader of the vampires, played by Karl Urban) kidnapping the Priest's daughter. The Priest goes to the Church for help, but the Church refuses to acknowledge that vampires still exist, so the Priest goes into exile to rescue his kidnapped daughter, in defiance of the church.

There really isn't much of a plot. There is nothing original or exciting about the fight scenes, and you know going in, that there will be a sequel. It's barely interesting enough to warrant a view on HBO or a DVD rental. And like Thor, there is absolutely no reason for this to be released in 3-D. If I hadn't seen this for free, I wouldn't have liked this movie at all.

With the world ending after next week after the Second Coming, you can do better than wasting money on this one. I have it on good authority that your soul won't be saved by watching this. At 87 minutes, it's an hour and a half too long.

I'm giving this one half an "Our Father" and a third of a "Hail Mary". You can pray all you want to, but I ain't changing my mind.

Paperaxle Reviews "Thor"

Pretty historic weekend... the Royal Wedding on Friday, I turned 50 on Saturday and Osama bin Laden lost his left eye and his life on Sunday.

But I only celebrated one of these events. On Saturday, I was allowed to see an advanced screening of "Thor". And while it's not as good as "Iron Man", it is better than either the "Hulk" or "Fantastic Four" movies.

It's a complicated plot, but in short, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is a Norse god who lives with his half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), and his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) and mother Frigga (played by Rene Russo... when have we seen her last?). Thor, being the oldest, is about to ascend to the title of King, and Loki is very jealous of this. The ceremony is interrupted by the Frost Giants, who were in a battle with Odin several hundred years before. The Frost Giants have been trying to conquer the Nine Realms (including Earth), however Odin and the Asgardians defeated the Frost Giants and took their source of power (the Casket of Ancient Winters) and now both sides have been living under a truce for nearly a thousand years.

Thor, accompanied by Loki, Sif (a childhood friend) and the Warriors Three, against Odin's order, journey to confront Laufey (king of the Frost Giants) and wind up doing battle, whereupon Odin is forced to intervene to save their lives, and in return Odin strips Thor of his power and exiles him to Earth along with Thor's hammer (Mjolnir) in order to teach Thor humility and respect.

Now the movie really begins. Reading the above, it sounds like a boring movie, and your butt might get "thor", and you'll be in search for an "Asgard", but believe me, all that happened so far takes up about a half hour of screen time.

Landing in New Mexico, Thor is found by the scientist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and he finds out that his hammer has been discovered by agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., a top secret military organization seen in the Iron Man movies. (That's the organization led by Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson, so you can see how these movies all tie together.) Thor has to break into the military outpost where they are keeping Mjolnir, and once Thor retrieves the hammer, he finds that he is no longer worthy of wielding it.

Meanwhile, back on Asgard, Loki has become King. Odin, overcome with stress, has fallen into the "Odinsleep". This sleep allows Odin to recuperate and recharge his powers, and can last for many years. We find out Loki's true father is Laufey, king of the Frost Giants, and offers Laufey the chance to kill Odin. And to keep Thor out of the way forever, a Destroyer (which is like a giant robot) is dispatched to Earth to kill Thor. Sif and the Warriors Three head to Earth to help Thor tackle this robot, and Thor... dies.

The movie has some humor, very good humor, and even Stan Lee (the creator of Thor) joins in the fun as a truck driver, trying to lift the hammer with chains and a pickup truck. And be sure to stay past the credits for an after scene (the only time Nick Fury makes an appearance) that sets up next year's "Avengers" movie.

Even though the movie is in 3-D, there is really no reason for this. None of the special effects are enhanced in 3-D. I kept thinking that Thor will, at some point, throw the hammer at the screen, but the technology appears to be wasted. Doesn't happen.

In short, I'd give this movie four hammers and a nail. I recommend it, but the movie could have been improved with a better first half. I'll probably see it again before the regular run starts on Friday, May 6th. It's 119 minutes long, and could have 10 to 15 minutes shaved off to make a tighter story.